


I Want You Back By My Side

by lightsinthewater



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Moving Away, Mutual Pining, New York City, Pining, Sharing Clothes, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, buzzfeed unsolved- freeform, i either update every night for a week or once every two thousand years sorry fam, invisible connection, not really - Freeform, ryan missing shane, shane gets really sad im sorry, shane missing ryan, shyan, shyan fic, sorta - Freeform, theres a lot of song inspired stuff in here, they get hella drunk at one point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24150781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsinthewater/pseuds/lightsinthewater
Summary: Ryan and Shane both got the Buzzfeed internship by some crazy stroke of luck. they become close, both of them hiding their true feelings, until something happens that flips their lives upside down.“Shane had never been one to believe in superstitious shit like broken mirrors and soulmates, and he still didn’t, but he couldn’t help but think that there was…something about Ryan that he couldn’t quite explain. Something warm, something that he wanted to get to know with all of his heart. He didn’t know if it was the beer talking, but he could sense that this was a life-changing night… in some strange way, Shane felt like Ryan already knew him better than Shane knew himself. He didn’t mind it at all.”aka, Ryan and Shane become friends, Shane leaves and Ryan stays, some pining ensues.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 53
Kudos: 58





	1. take me back to the night we met

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! alright so this is my second time posting this work- i deleted it a couple weeks ago so that i could do some serious editing. sorry this chapter's so long... enjoy! title is from the song "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron

The music was loud, like it usually was at these types of parties. By “these types” Shane meant the type where you drink so much alcohol that you can’t remember who you talked to or what the hell you did when you woke up the next morning feeling like you were on your deathbed.

Shane Madej usually avoided these social gatherings- he wasn’t incredibly fond of drinking just to the verge of blacking out, ending up making out with some random girl just because it’s what everyone else was doing, and then waking up on his couch or bedroom floor the next afternoon with a headache like someone driving a hammer into his skull. He preferred quiet, lazy nights spent watching shitty old horror films on his couch, swaddled in an unnecessary amount of blankets, his fingers greasy from devouring the large bowl of popcorn in his lap. 

But, when his friend Jason had bought a new house in a nice neighborhood in Burbank, and invited, so it seemed, everyone he’d ever known (and then some) to a party, Shane had accepted the invitation. He didn’t know why- it certainly wasn’t that he felt obligated, Jason had told him that it was totally fine if he didn’t come- but he decided to go anyways. 

He almost felt some sort of invisible force urging him to go to the party for some reason. Some people may have called it fate, or destiny, or something of the sort. Shane called it sleep deprivation and crippling loneliness. He hadn’t been to any sort of social event in a few months, and he didn’t have that many close friends at work- he was acquainted with several people, and they sometimes would go for lunch together, but they didn’t talk much outside of the office. Shane thought it would be good for him to at least show up for an hour or so and talk to a few people before going home around 10:30 and then falling asleep staring at the ceiling in his silent apartment, painfully aware of how alone he felt and doing anything and everything to not think about it. 

The night of the party was chilly, the wind nipping at people’s noses as they walked the dimly lit LA sidewalks. It was 8:47 pm, and the party started at 9:00. Not wanting to show up too early, Shane decided to leave around 8:55, since his apartment was only a few minutes’ drive from Jason’s place. His cell phone buzzed, and he glanced down at it. _Uber five minutes away._ He fastened the last button on his shirt and ran a hand over his gelled hair. He looked in the mirror, and smiled slightly. He hadn’t been putting much effort into his appearance lately, so this was a nice change. The dark bags under his soft brown eyes were undeniable, but he looked less dead after showering and using a facial cleanser. His hair, instead of being shoved into a beanie or quickly combed through, was neat and appealing, the chestnut-colored strands glinting in the soft glow of his bedside lamp. Shane grabbed the brown leather jacket resting on the chair beside his dresser and pulled it on. Satisfied with his outfit, he grabbed his phone off his nightstand, slipped it in his pocket, turned off the lamp, and headed for the door.

His uber dropped him off at around 9:15, the party already in full swing. Shane thanked the driver and walked up to the house. He smiled at a few familiar faces in the yard and on the front porch as he entered the house. Jason’s new place was nice- it vaguely reminded Shane of the home from _Full House_ , with its sweeping staircase and large, open living room that led to the kitchen through a swinging door paneled with light-colored wood. He waded through the sea of people clustered in the main living area to the kitchen to get a drink, carefully navigating his way through groups of lightly buzzed partygoers. 

\-----

Ryan Bergara hadn’t known Jason for very long. They had met at a bar one Saturday night. They had realized that they were wearing the same shirt, and had laughed for a solid twenty minutes, their drunken selves finding the situation absolutely hilarious, and the two had been texting every so often now and then. 

Ryan loved parties like these, so naturally he had jumped at the opportunity when Jason invited him. There was something thrilling about being in a mass of people that all had way too much energy, the light in everyone’s eyes magnified three-fold by the near-toxic amount of alcohol thrumming through their bodies. He thrived in these situations, thrived under the attention of his friends watching him do the _stupidest_ shit imaginable (there had been an incident with a neon sign, and no, he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore because quite frankly it’s embarrassing), and then passing out on someone’s couch, waking up the next morning with a killer hangover. 

He’d had a feeling this night would probably end somewhat like that, but all of those “plans” flew out of his head the second he saw that tall, handsome stranger enter through the open front door and cross the crowded living room into the kitchen. The man was wearing dark pants, with a simple white button up tucked into them, with a brown leather jacket resting on his shoulders. He took Ryan’s breath away, sucked the air out of his lungs. Ryan took a sip of his beer, starting to feel the familiar buzz kick in. 

“-don’t you think?” Ryan snapped his head back around to where his friend Alex stood, and he grinned apologetically when they raised an eyebrow. 

“Sorry, my mind drifted… what were you saying?” His friend sighed, but repeated what they said, something about the job Ryan was waiting to hear back from about whether he got it or not. As they talked, Ryan couldn’t help but let his mind continue to wander back to that guy- there was something captivating about him, something that made Ryan want to get to know every part of his mind, and then some. Something familiar. Something…lovely. 

\-----

Shane made his way through a laughing group of people in the kitchen to the counter, where there was a large variety of drinks- beer, spiked punch, whiskey, vodka, you name it. He picked up a beer, popping the top off as he walked over to where Jason was leaning against a wall, checking something on his phone. 

When Jason saw Shane approaching, his face lit up. “Hey, tall guy! I’m glad you made it, dude! How’re things?” Shane and Jason talked for the better part of an hour, eventually making their way to the living room. They talked about the job that Shane had applied for a couple months ago, and Shane voiced his thoughts that it had been too long without a reply from the company for him to have actually gotten it. Jason shrugged this prediction off, encouraging Shane to stay optimistic. He had then walked off, telling Shane that he had some people to find- he needed to pitch them some idea for a company he had thought up while high out of his damn mind a couple nights ago. Silently questioning his friend’s sanity, Shane took up a spot in a corner, sipping his beer occasionally. He talked to a couple more people, mostly guys he knew from the office or had gotten drinks with on weekends a couple times, but he mostly just stood by himself, quietly surveying the scene of slight chaos unfolding in front of him as the night went on and gradually getting more buzzed.

\-----

Ryan kept flicking his eyes back over to the stranger- it’s as if he was drawn to the man by some unseen force, an invisible rope tying them together. This time, when he glanced over at the guy, a pair of dark caramel eyes was staring right back. 

Blushing furiously, Ryan looked away, trying to play it off like he was scanning the crowd of people for someone, but him and the stranger both knew that wasn’t what was happening. The guy smiled, and Ryan smiled back, lifting his hand in acknowledgment. The stranger waved back, and it could have just been a trick of the lights, but Ryan could almost see a rosy blush forming on the man’s face. 

_God, Bergara, go talk to him._

He never had problems talking to guys or girls before tonight, so why was this so damn hard? Just last week, he had gotten the number of someone at a bar without hesitation, but now he was struggling to even look at this guy he was clearly interested in? 

_This is why you haven’t had a relationship in two years, you dipshit._

Annoyed with himself, Ryan headed for the bathroom. 

——-

Shane watched as the man walked off in the direction of what he assumed was the restroom, and took another sip of his beer. He smiled softly to himself. 

_Damn, that guy was cute._

Shane went to take another swig of his beer, but found the bottle empty. He made a frustrated noise, and walked into the kitchen to get another drink.

_Eh, it’s a Saturday night. Why not?_

Shane was leaning against the kitchen counter, chatting with some guy from Jason’s gym about a show they both watched, when someone brushed past him. 

“‘Scuse me, sir,” a voice said, and Shane turned to see the man he was staring at earlier sliding in between him and some girl to get to the drinks. Shane choked on his beer, his face turning red as he spluttered. The man grinned as he grabbed a beer identical to the one Shane was drinking off the counter. The guy Shane was talking to smiled and walked away, mumbling something about catching up later, the both of them knowing that wouldn’t happen. 

“Uh….hi,” Shane said. 

“Hi,” the other man said, raising a brow. “I’m Ryan.”

“I’m Shane.”

“Nice to meet you,” Ryan said. “So...how do you know Jason?” 

“He dated my cousin for a couple of weeks, and she brought him to Thanksgiving. We kinda hit it off, and we’ve been friends for a couple years,” Shane responded, chuckling. He didn’t tell Ryan that the two had broken up because his cousin cheated on Jason with some college freshman and had then keyed his car. 

Ryan told Shane about the matching shirts, and they both laughed at it for a bit. They talked for quite awhile- they both loved bad horror movies, and were both big kernel heads. Ryan found Shane magnetic, not understanding how he could feel such a strong connection to someone he’d only known for a few hours, but knowing that whatever it was, it was special.

——-

Shane had never been one to believe in superstitious shit like broken mirrors and soulmates, and he still didn’t, but he couldn’t help but think that there was…something about Ryan that he couldn’t quite explain. Something warm, something that he wanted to get to know with all of his heart. He didn’t know if it was the beer talking, but he could sense that this was a life-changing night… in some strange way, Shane felt like Ryan already knew him better than Shane knew himself. He didn’t mind it at all. 

The rest of the night was great- after Ryan had gone back to his group of friends, Shane had found an acquaintance from work to hang out with, and they talked about anything and everything. Sports (which Shane had a grand total of zero knowledge about), books, TV shows, movies. But he kept finding himself stealing glances at Ryan from across the room. There was this...magnetic attraction between them, something that Shane couldn’t quite put his finger on. 

It was because of that feeling that he decided to stay for another hour. As the night continued, he got visibly more tipsy, still being cautious- he obviously didn’t want to black out, because god knows what happened the last time he got that drunk... He could see that Ryan, on the other hand, didn’t have a single care in the world, dancing around the living room with his friends. Shane had never seen anything as breathtakingly gorgeous as Ryan’s smile. It lit up his whole face, his eyes crinkling with joy- it made Shane’s heart skip a beat. 

It was that very smile that urged Shane to stay for the rest of the party. As it wound down at around 1 am, Jason called out from the balcony on the upper level, “Alright, ladies, gents, and squirrels. This one’s for the lovebirds.” Shane chuckled at Jason’s slightly slurred words, instantly recognizing the song that began playing. 

\-----

_Put your head on my shoulder_

_Hold me in your arms, baby_

Ryan got the sensation that he was being watched, and glanced around him, his eyes landing on Shane, who was looking at him every few seconds or so. They locked eyes for the briefest of moments, and then quickly looked away. 

_Squeeze me oh-so tight_

_Show me that you love me too_

Ryan took another sip of his fourth beer. He knew he probably should have cut himself off at three drinks, but he didn’t have anywhere that he needed to be tomorrow, so why not? 

_A pounding headache, nausea, and vertigo is why_ , the somewhat intelligent portion of his brain reminded him, but he elected to ignore it, and finished off the bottle of liquor. 

_Put your lips next to mine, dear_

_Won’t you kiss me once, baby?_

Ryan made eye contact with Shane again, but this time, for whatever reason, neither of them looked away. Ryan held Shane’s gaze, staring into those soft brown eyes. 

\-----

They held eye contact for the rest of the song, and Shane didn’t know if he was still breathing as the final lyrics wailed out of the speakers. 

_Words I want to hear, baby_

_Put your head on my shoulder_

The instrumentals faded out, and Shane quickly averted his eyes from Ryan’s, the other man doing the same. Shane could feel his cheeks blooming with a rose-colored blush, and sighed. He checked his watch- 1:37 am. 

He scanned the crowd for Ryan, his heart sinking to his toes when his eyes weren’t able to locate the dark hair and striking eyes. He sighed, rubbing his tired eyes with the heels of his hands. _Maybe the best things just aren't meant to be,_ he thought to himself, and pulled out his phone.

After calling an Uber, Shane made his way over to Jason, who was staring quizzically at the contents of his red cup. Shane chuckled, knowing that look- “should I _finish_ it, or just dump it into the nearest house plant?”

“Hey, man- thanks for inviting me. I had a really good time,” he said, his words slightly slurred. Yup, he was drunk alright. He suspected he’d lost full autonomy around halfway through his second drink- he was tall, but he couldn’t handle his alcohol for _shit_. 

“No problem, dude. Have a nice night.” Jason clapped Shane on the shoulder, and walked into the kitchen, shoving through the crowd of slowly dispersing people. Shane glanced over the crowd for Ryan one more time, before giving up the effort and leaving the house. 

He spotted his Uber a few yards away and jogged over, nearly tripping over his own feet. Having long, lanky limbs was not convenient when intoxicated. He climbed into the car, and it pulled away, headed for the quiet sanctuary of his apartment. 

\-----

Ryan watched Shane leave. He had seen him scanning the party for someone before he left, knowing that Shane was looking for him. He’d watched as Shane failed in his search and left the party, disappointed. Ryan had wanted to call out after him, but he knew that if something happened tonight, it probably wouldn’t be anything meaningful, and he could tell that Shane was the kind of man that you wanted to gaze at the stars and talk about the future until the only thing left was the sky and your two voices with, not someone to have stupid, awkward, drunk sex with at two in the morning and never see again. 

So, he watched as Shane left, and didn’t say anything. 

**-two days later-**

Ryan was watching _The Exorcist_ when his phone buzzed. He nearly leapt through the roof, and clutched a hand to his chest. 

“Jesus-” he whispered, his heart pounding in his ears. He picked up his cellphone, raising it to awaken the screen. 

_Email From: Buzzfeed Inc._

“No way…” he murmured. With slightly shaking hands he unlocked his phone. He scrolled to the mail app, and opened the email. 

_Dear Mr. Bergara,_

_It is with great pleasure that I am able to inform you that we have reviewed your application and would like to offer you a paid internship at Buzzfeed. If you are to accept, you may start…….._

The email went on to explain when he could start, along with when he should accept or decline the offer by, and other things such as his salary and health benefits. He grinned, rubbing his face with his hands. 

“Holy shit….” he whispered. This is the job that could jump start his career in production work. This is the job that could help him chase his dreams. With shaking hands, he quickly composed an email accepting the job. 

He took a deep breath. “Here we go, Bergara,” he whispered, and pressed _send._ He turned off the TV, all thoughts of finishing his movie blown out the window. He pulled out his phone again, and called Steven. 

“DUDE!” he yelled when his friend picked up the phone.

“Yeah…? What’s -” 

“I GOT THE JOB!”

“That’s amazing, dude! When do you start?”

“In three weeks.”

“I can’t wait dude! We get to work together! Dude we gotta go get drinks tonight to celebrate.”

“Oh yeah, for sure. Pick me up around seven?”

“Sounds good. See you then, man.”

“See you then.” Ryan collapsed back onto the couch, smiling from ear to ear. _I’ve got the job_ , he thought, the happiest he’d been in awhile. As he lay there on the couch, thinking about the path he was about to start down- the path toward his dreams- a strange sensation enveloped him. It felt like an invisible rope pulling him toward something- like it was being reeled in...but in his mind. He shuddered, and brushed the strange feeling off as excitement. He checked his watch. _6:32._ Grinning like an idiot, he headed to his bedroom to get ready. 

\-----

Shane was packing his stuff up in his cubicle. He had stayed late at work to help his desk neighbor, Gina, with a presentation they had tomorrow morning to show the accounting team about the company’s projected growth over the next few months. Stretching his arms above his head, he watched as the janitors started to file in to clean up for the night. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He checked the screen, and nearly dropped the device. The notification on his lock screen was an email from Buzzfeed.

“Gina!” he said, and she poked her scarved head over the cubicle wall, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

“Yeah?”

“I just got an email back about the job….” he said, and Gina’s face lit up with excitement.

“I’m sure you got it - openitopenitopenitttttttt!” she squealed. Shane smiled, and clicked “view message”. 

“Dear Mr. Madej,” Shane began, bracing himself for rejection, “it is with great pleasure that I am able to inform you that we have reviewed your application and would like to offer you… A PAID INTERNSHIP! GINA! I GOT IT!” he exclaimed, beaming. 

“YAYYY!” Gina said, rushing over to Shane and wrapping his torso in a bear hug. He laughed, and she released him and started jumping up and down. “Good job, dude!!!”

Chuckling, he drafted an acceptance email, and showed it to his coworker. 

“How’s that?” he asked, and she quickly scanned over it with her striking brown eyes. 

“It’s great!” Shane smiled, and hit send. He couldn’t believe it- _Buzzfeed._

Gina finished packing up, and waved goodbye to Shane. He waved back, still smiling. A strange sensation started to build in his chest, unlike anything that he’d felt before. Almost like he was being pulled towards something, almost like he had felt the night of the party…. He shook his head, sighing. He was just excited about the job, that was all. 

Right?

**\---3 weeks later---**

It had been a busy morning. Shane had arrived at the Buzzfeed building around ten minutes before the work day started, so that he could have some time to collect his thoughts and calm any nerves he had before entering the office.

He walked through the front doors at 9 am, taking in his surroundings as he crossed the lobby area to the front desk, to talk to someone named Amanda- an email sent to him a few days ago had told him that she would show him around and get him situated with a desk. The office was nice- there was an upper floor, the staircase leading to it adjacent to the front doors. The lower floor started with a smaller, but still moderately large, area, which led to several larger areas with desks and individual offices. People were bustling around the building, many of them just getting there and heading to their desks. He saw a few groups of coworkers scattered around here and there talking, most of them holding mugs or thermoses filled with coffee. 

When he got to the front desk, a woman with long, mousy brown hair and purple glasses smiled up at him. 

“Hi, how can I help you? I’m Charlotte.” her voice was slightly higher-pitched than the average person’s-it reminded Shane of the songbirds that used to nest on the roof near his bedroom when he was younger- sweet and melodic. 

“Hello, I’m Shane- I’m starting here today and I was told to talk to someone named Amanda?” he said, scratching his head. Charlotte smiled, nodding. 

“Oh, yes, you’re one of the two new interns starting today! It’s so nice to meet you! I’ll go get Amanda,” Charlotte chirped. “Just wait right here.” she walked off towards one of the groups of nearby desks. Shane felt his phone buzz in his pocket and pulled it out, wiping some lint off the screen. 

_Have fun at your new job today, pumpkin! Love you!_ Shane smiled, texting back _Will do, Love you too, mom._ He lifted his head up at the approaching _click click click_ of heels, returning his phone to his back pocket. 

Charlotte was walking toward Shane, and a taller woman was following closely behind. The woman’s blonde hair was collarbone length and slightly curled, and she wore a pastel blue dress with Doc Martens. _Interesting combo,_ Shane thought, though not judgingly- she pulled it off very well. 

“I’m Amanda,” she said, extending a hand. Shane shook it, smiling politely. “How about I give you a quick tour ‘round the office, and then show you where you’ll be sitting?” 

“Sounds great!” Shane responded, and Amanda nodded. She led him around the building, pointing out the exit doors that led to other parking lots and filming stages used for videos. She showed him the kitchen, the common areas with worn-down, but still nice, couches, and where various bathrooms were located. 

“Alrighty! That’s basically it- how about we head to your desk?” Shane nodded, shifting his bag to his right shoulder. Charlotte led him up the staircase in the lobby to the second floor and past several desk clumps to a group of desks near a railing on the opposite side of the upper level. She stopped in front of two empty desks in a group of six. 

“You can pick either of these ones- if I were you, I’d pick the one that isn’t next to Julian,” she said, covering her hand with her mouth and jerking a thumb at a man sitting on the end of the row. He snapped his head up. 

“Oh hush, Amy,” he said, but there was laughter in his eyes and Amanda was smiling at him. Shane noted the matching wedding bands on their hands and smiled. Shane took up the desk two down from Julian, grimacing slightly in the other man’s direction. 

“Sorry, Julian- I’ve gotta listen to her,” Shane said, laughing. Julian chuckled, quickly kissing Amanda on the cheek before resuming the furious typing he had been doing on his keyboard. 

“Alright, Shane- I’ve got to head back downstairs to meet with the other intern who’s starting today, but I’m always at the front desk if you have any questions.”

“Thanks, Amanda,” Shane replied, and she smiled. 

“I imagine your supervisor will come to talk with you around 2 pm or so, just so you know.”

“Cool- thanks for the heads up!” Amanda smiled again, waved to Julian, and headed back downstairs. Shane grinned. This was really happening- _he was at Buzzfeed._ He set his bag down on the table and started unpacking his stuff. He hadn’t brought much today- just a couple pictures of him and his parents and friends, some pens, and a few notebooks, which he placed in the top left drawer of his desk. He hung his bag on the back of his chair, and got to work setting up his computer. 

\-----

Ryan walked up the stairs behind Amanda- she had shown him around, and now they were headed to his desk on the second floor. Amanda had told him that another new intern, named Shane, had also started today, and that the two of them would be sitting next to each other. For some reason, that name made Ryan’s heart race- he couldn’t explain it- it was like his heart knew something he didn’t, like it was holding on to some memory he’d never had… 

Ryan ignored the feeling, and followed Amanda through the upper level of the building to a desk clump with one empty spot. As he got closer to it, he started feeling that invisible rope become more and more taught in his mind- it was being reeled in even faster, so close that he was about to hit what was on the other en-

“Ryan, this is the other intern I was talking about!” Ryan looked at the man turned around in his chair. He was tall- really tall. His hair was a soft, chestnut brown and his eyes were caramel-colored. His nose was longer and sharply pointed, but it suited him. He was wearing dark-washed jeans and a red and black flannel, with tawny brown hiking-style boots. He was handsome; Ryan had to admit.

The man smiled at Ryan, and Ryan smiled back, not being able to shake the feeling that this man was strangely familiar. He brushed the feeling off, and extended his hand to the fellow intern. 

“Hi, I’m Ryan.”

“Shane. nice to meet you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! the second chapter might take a while to get posted, but it's coming soon, I promise!! kudos and comments are appreciated xx
> 
> [maybe go follow my tumblr? https://andthestarssmiledback.tumblr.com/]


	2. the start of something already begun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! alrighty folks, this one's pure fluff (mainly because I got lazy but shhhhh we don't need to talk about that). enjoy!

Ryan and Shane had become close friends over the course of the past several months, growing closer each day. Neither of them knew why, but they just _worked_. They truly understood each other, connected by some unseen thread. During their first few weeks at Buzzfeed, Ryan had been the only person Shane could really talk to, since he didn’t already know anybody like Ryan knew Steven. 

And even though he had Steven, Ryan had found himself spending more time with the lanky, sarcastic asshole that had become his best friend- Steven was often busy or talking to Andrew, but Shane always had time for Ryan- he would stop what he was doing to listen, and Ryan had never really had someone like that- someone that was just _there_ for you. It’s not that Steven was a bad friend, but he was higher up, so he had a lot more responsibilities, ergo a lot less time on his hands to spend with Ryan. 

Ryan didn’t mind it though. He liked spending time with Shane. A _lot._ Shane seemed to always know what Ryan was thinking- if Ryan shivered, Shane handed him an extra jacket that he always kept in his desk. He had told Ryan that he always needed one, that his long limbs “didn’t get enough oxygen and got chilly”, but Ryan had never seen him wear it, and had recently started to suspect that Shane kept it there just for him, the thought of it causing a pleasant warmth to pool in his stomach. The care that Shane showed for Ryan was endearing; Ryan wasn’t used to it, but he knew that it was special. 

“Here ya go, Ry guy,” Shane said, carefully placing a mug of hot coffee onto Ryan’s desk. He sat down in his chair next to Ryan, sipping his own beverage. “Hazelnut creamer, three quarters teaspoon of sugar.”

Ryan lifted the mug to his lips to hide the soft blush forming on the apples of his cheeks. Shane did little things like remembering how Ryan liked his coffee, keeping that extra sweater with him, and leaving bags of popcorn on Ryan’s desk when he knew he’d had a rough day that made Ryan’s heart soar. Somehow, Shane hadn’t gotten tired of Ryan’s loud laughter and whispered remarks, claiming that he “found them adorable”. When Shane had told him this, Ryan had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from beaming from ear to ear. He had to do this quite often; biting the inside of his cheek or digging his fingernails into the palm of his hand, to keep from smiling or blushing too hard. Because if he didn’t, Shane could figure it out. Which couldn’t happen. And he couldn’t tell him either - confessing some silly crush could ruin the whole fucking relationship that had become so important to the both of them. So, he bit his cheek, dug in his fingernails, and continued to deny the fact that he had fallen, _hard,_ for his best friend. 

\---

Ryan looked out the nearby window, sighing. It was raining, and he’d parked pretty far away today since he got in late- he’d probably get soaked walking to his car at the end of the day. He didn’t know why he hadn’t checked the weather this morning, he had just assumed-

“Hey, Ry?”

“Yeah?” Ryan turned away from the window, taking his headphones off his ears and placing them around his neck. 

“Do you ever get the feeling that, like, I dunno…that we’ve met before?” Shane asked, and Ryan tilted his head. 

“Whadya mean?” 

“It’s weird - like, the more time we spend together, the more like I feel like I know you?”

“I mean, that’s kinda how friendships work, Big Guy-”

“No, like the better we get to know each other, the more I feel like we’ve met before. Which is hella weird, because I know we haven’t.” 

Ryan didn’t know what to say. Should he tell the truth? _Yeah, ever since I first saw you sitting at that desk I’ve felt as if we’ve met before, but I can only remember a haze where the memories should be._ That would just be fucking weird - and a good way to creep out his friend. 

“Nah, not really dude. Maybe I just look like someone you know? There are a lot of 5’10 Asian guys in LA…”

“Yeah, you’re right, there are a lot of 5’ 9 ¾ Asian guys in LA…”

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan said, and Shane grinned. Shaking his head, Ryan put his headphones back on and resumed the editing he had been doing. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see his friend do the same. He sighed quietly. 

It was true, of course - the second that Ryan had layed eyes on Shane, he was hit with a massive wave of Dejá vu, and he had no idea where it was coming from. He knew they hadn’t gone to high school together or anything like that; Shane grew up all the way in Illinois. He didn’t think they had worked together before - maybe they had a mutual friend? Shaking his head, Ryan refocused on the video clips in front of him. 

\---

Ryan sprinted up the stairs, and came to a sliding stop beside Shane’s desk. It was around four, and he had just gotten one of the best phone calls of his life. 

“Shaneshaneshaneshaneshane!” he exclaimed, jumping up and down. His friend looked up, smiling. 

“Ryanryanryanryanryan,” Shane responded, and the shorter man rolled his eyes. 

“Unsolved got approved, dude!!! I start filming next week!” Ryan said, and Shane’s face lit up. 

“No way! Oh my god Ryan, congrats!” Shane said, standing up to give his friend a quick hug. Ryan wrapped his arms around Shane, laughing. As they broke apart, Ryan fought to hide the blush on his cheeks. “Who’re you doing it with? I know there were a couple people…”

“Brent, remember him?”

“Oh, yeah! That’s great, Ry!” Shane said, and Ryan beamed. “You wanna go out tonight to celebrate?”

“Hell yeah - who else should we bring?” Ryan asked, and Shane thought about it for a moment.

“Jen?” Shane said, and Ryan nodded. “And then of course Brent, Steven, and really anyone else you want to.” 

“Sounds great,” Ryan said, smiling. “I’ll text them.”

\---

Shane arrived at the bar everyone was meeting at about five minutes late - the Los Angeles traffic had slowed him down slightly. He parked in an empty spot next to Ryan’s car, and noticed Jen, Steven, and Curly’s cars all parked nearby, as well as Brent’s a little farther away. He smiled. Ryan had finally gotten his show approved - one that he had been so excited about, talking about it every day for the past two months or so. He was happy for his best friend, but also a little melancholy - between filming and editing Unsolved, Ryan probably wouldn’t have as much time for him. . 

_You’re being selfish, be happy for him,_ Shane told himself, rolling his eyes. He checked his hair in the rearview mirror, and headed inside. 

The bar was busy. People were crammed into booths, and the music was loud - almost too loud. 

He saw Jen waving him over to one of the larger booths, and walked over. There were about ten people in all: Ryan, Brent, Jen, Curly, Steven, Andrew, and a few other people that he recognized from around the office that Ryan knew.

“Over here, big guy!” Ryan said, scooting down to make space for Shane next to him on the bench. Shane sat down, crossing one long leg over the other. “Everyone, this is Shane,” Ryan said, and the taller man waved, smiling. Everyone voiced their greetings, and then resumed their various conversations. 

Ryan and Shane talked for about thirty minutes, Shane sipping a beer, Ryan doing the same. Shane couldn’t stop staring at Ryan - his cheeks were flushed pink, his eyes filled with a spark that Shane hadn’t seen before. 

“Ok, all I’m saying is that I could totally take bigfoot in a fight,” Ryan said, his words slightly slurred. Shane laughed. 

“Sureeeee, little guy. Be honest - you’d be dead in about fifteen seconds flat.”

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan said, not meaning it. Shane chuckled, taking another sip of his beer. 

“Hey, Ryan!” Jen called from the bar. “Come take these shots with me!” Ryan laughed, signalling for Shane to scooch over so that he could exit the booth. 

“Coming, Jen!” he called, and Shane laughed, making way for his best friend. He watched as Ryan walked over to the bar and engaged in some stupid college - like drinking game with their friend. 

“So, how do you know Ryan?” Shane turned, to see a woman, around 23 or so, with curly purple hair looking at him. She was pretty, and had cool glasses on. Shane decided right away that he liked her - the energy she exuded seemed friendly and warm.

“Oh, we started at Buzzfeed on the same day - got sat next to each other. And, well…the rest is history,” he responded, and the woman laughed. 

“You seem cool, Shane.”

“You seem equally as cool, um-”

“Sara.”

“Nice name.”

“Thanks, my mom picked it.” Shane laughed, and Sara smiled. 

Shane talked to Sara for a good portion of the night - they had a lot in common. He learned that she did art, and pulled up her instagram page, very impressed with her work. He told her this, and she’d smiled, her cheeks blushing red. Shane enjoyed Sara’s company, and she his. They talked about movies and music, discovering that they had largely the same taste. 

Shane could see himself becoming good friends with her. He was happy that he was finally branching out; he loved being friends with Ryan, but it was nice to get to know a larger, more diverse group of people. So he smiled and chatted with Sara, sipping his beer, and laughing at Ryan and Jen as they became gradually more and more drunk. 

\---

Ryan watched Shane and Sara. He watched as Sara blushed and laughed, and watched as Shane became more comfortable with her. He felt...weird, almost angry. _Of course he hit it off with her - Sara’s amazing, and so is he. I was an idiot to ever think he’d like someone like me-_

“Ryan, you’re doing it again,” Jen sighed from where she sat next to him at the bar, sipping her drink. 

“Doing what? I’m not doing anythi-”

“Please, you’ve been staring at Shane for half the night - you’ve hardly been paying attention to a word anyone says.”

“That’s not true! I call bullshit,” Ryan said, blushing as he lifted the glass of water Jen had bullied him into drinking to his lips. 

“Ok, then what were we just talking about?” she said, smirking. Ryan coughed. 

“Ahm….tacos?”

“Nice try, buddy. I think someone’s got a crush,” she said quietly, nudging Ryan with her elbow. Ryan choked on his water, and Jen laughed. 

“The hell I do - Shane’s my best friend, and I don’t even know if he likes guy-”

“He’s bi, dude. Seriously, you need to pay more attention to people’s instagram feeds.” Ryan blushed. 

“Ok...but he’s...Sara-’

“God, you really are oblivious,” Jen replied, rolling her eyes as she threw back another shot. 

“How am I oblivious?” Ryan asked, heated. Jen sighed. 

“I...Ryan, trust me. I’ve...god, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. You don’t need to be worried,” Jen said, and Ryan could feel his face heating. 

“You...what?” he stammered, shocked. Jen just sipped the glass of water in front of her, giving Ryan a knowing look, not saying anything. 

Ryan looked back over at Shane, smiling softly. _Well, well, well, big guy. I guess we’re both idiots._

\---

It was around 12:00, and everyone was heading home for the night. Shane was doing alright alcohol-wise - he’d only had two beers - but Ryan was full-on drunk. 

“Shane, ‘m fineeeeee,” Ryan said, his words slurred. Shane shook his head as he casually redirected the shorter man out of his collision course with a bar stool. 

“Ryan, you’re drunk as hell. I’m not letting you drive. And, quite frankly, I don’t trust you to be home by yourself right now - are you ok with spending the night at my place?”

“Yup - oooooo a bird,” Ryan mumbled, trying to walk up to a nearby pigeon and...pet it…? Shane held back his laughter as he steered Ryan away from the terrified creature and towards his car. Shane pulled the key fob out of his pocket, unlocking the car, placing Ryan in the back seat. He could come pick up Ryan’s car later - this was a pretty nice part of town, he knew that nobody would try to break into it or anything. 

“Okay, buddy,” Shane said, smiling. “Let’s go home.”

“M’kay,” Ryan said, and promptly fell asleep stretched across the seats. Shane drove them to his apartment, checking on Ryan every so often in the rearview mirror. 

_For a Frat guy, he sure doesn’t know how to handle his alcohol,_ Shane thought with a small laugh as he pulled into the parking garage of his apartment building. He undid his seatbelt, and then reached back to the rear seats to gently shake his best friend awake. 

“Ry...c’mon, let’s get you upstairs,” he said quietly as Ryan woke up. He helped Ryan out of the car and up the two flights of stairs that lead to his apartment, having to stop a couple times so that Ryan could admire a very interesting pebble. 

They finally reached the front door, which Shane unlocked with his keys. He led Ryan over the threshold and down the hall to his bedroom. Ryan flopped face-first onto the mattress, groaning. He kicked his shoes off and crawled towards the headboard. 

“Shaneeeeeeee,” Ryan groaned. 

“What’s up, little guy?”

“Blankettttttt.” Shane laughed, and helped Ryan pull the comforter up. He gently ruffled his friend’s hair, and headed for the living room - he could sleep on the couch so that Ryan could take the bed. “Where’re you goin’?” Ryan asked, and Shane laughed. 

“I’m gonna go sleep on the couch, buddy.”

“Shaneeeeeeeeee.”

“Yes, Ryan?”

“Can you sleep in here with me?” Ryan asked quietly, and Shane shook his head. 

“Ry Guy, I don’t-”

“Pleaseeeeeeee.”

“I...Okay, Ry. yeah, I’ll sleep in here. I just need to shower, and then I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okayyyyyyy,” Ryan mumbled, shifting so that the blanket covered more of his body. Shane smiled softly, turning off the light on his way out. 

\---

Shane pulled on some sweatpants and a t-shirt, and then quickly patted his hair dry with the fluffy white towel crumpled on the floor. He exited the bathroom and walked down the hallway. 

He quietly opened his bedroom door, closing it softly behind him. He padded over to the bed and slipped under the blanket, careful not to wake Ryan. 

“Shane…?”

“It’s just me, buddy. Go back to sleep.”

“Okay...thanks for taking care of me,” Ryan mumbled. Shane smiled, his cheeks flushing pink. 

“Anytime, Ryan. Goodnight.” Shane lay awake, listening to Ryan’s soft breathing. He could picture Ryan’s face, peaceful and serene. He smiled at the image, and slowly drifted off to sleep, comforted by the warm body of his friend near his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will probably be up within a few days, it'll be pretty short. buckle up my dudes, the angst is coming and it's gonna hurt (I'm sorry in advance). thanks for reading- kudos and comments are hella appreciated! xx


	3. What If We Ruin It All, and We Love Like Fools?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, soooooo I lied-this chapter is in no way short. sorry my dudes. enjoy! (buckle up, the angst has arrived). (i'm posting the next chapter at the same time as this one-it's not really a chapter, but i thought it would fit well with the story [you'll see what i mean])
> 
> chapter title from Fools, by Lauren Aquilina

/ _October 17th, Shane’s apartment_ /

It was Saturday, and that meant one thing for the boys: movie night. It had started as Shane coming over every so often, and Ryan turning on a bad movie because they didn’t have anything else to do, which slowly evolved into what it was today: Shane would come over at 6:15 on Saturday night with takeout, and Ryan would pull up some shitty horror film from the ’80s. They’d spend the rest of the night watching the movie, eating, and talking about anything that came to mind. Recently, they’d been debating the existence of ghosts, and the two of them had even gone as far as to create some of the crappiest PowerPoint presentations that ever existed to convey their points, ridiculously overusing slide transitions to the point where it was painful. 

Tonight was a little different, though: Ryan’s landlord had scheduled for the exterminators to come to all the apartments tonight, and the two friends had decided it would be better for Ryan to go over to Shane’s that night instead of having to deal with the random presence of a stranger, who most likely wouldn’t appreciate their shenanigans. 

So, at 6:15, Ryan pulled up to Shane’s apartment building, takeout from their favorite place resting on the passenger’s seat next to him. He pulled out his phone and texted Shane. 

>   
>  _Hey dude, just pulled in._
> 
> _**Door’s unlocked**_

Ryan frowned - it was probably just him, but Shane wasn’t usually as curt with his texts. The sudden bluntness made Ryan slightly worried, but he brushed it off and walked up to Shane’s apartment. A warm breeze floated through the night, tousling Ryan’s hair and making the branches of a nearby palm tree sway gently. It carried the scent of sunshine on it, making Ryan smile softly. 

When he reached the door to his friend’s apartment, Ryan knocked quietly before letting himself in. He shifted the bag of takeout to his other hand, gently pushing the door shut with his foot. 

“Hey, Big Guy!” he called out and broke into a grin when Shane peeked his head out of his bedroom down the hall, smiling. 

“Hey, Ry!” Shane walked down the hallway, and wrapped his friend in a hug, lingering a little longer than normal. Ryan wasn’t complaining, of course, but Shane seemed...off. 

“Hey, buddy, you good?” Ryan asked, concerned, but the skeptic waved away the query. 

“Yeah, I’ve just…I’m a bit nervous about something.” 

“What is-”

“I’ll tell you later,” Shane interjected, and Ryan raised an eyebrow as he walked into the kitchen, setting the bag of food down on the counter. “It’s…oh, forget about it,” Shane mumbled, shaking his head with a slight air of frustration. 

“Shay, did I do something-’

“Oh, Ry, nonononono, it’s not - I’m sorry, I’m acting weird, aren’t I?” Shane said, grimacing. Ryan cleared his throat, scratching the back of his neck. 

“Just a little…” Ryan replied, and Shane rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“I’m sorry, Ry, don’t worry about it - can we talk about this later?” Ryan nodded, patting the hand Shane had placed on the edge of the counter. 

“Of course,” he answered softly, and Shane’s shoulders loosened. “Okie dokie, you pull up the movie, and I’ll pour us some drinks,” Ryan offered, and the taller man smiled. 

“Sure thing, buddy,” Shane replied, heading over to the coffee table. Ryan listened to Shane flick through a couple of options on the tv while he grabbed two glasses down from a cabinet next to the fridge. 

“Hey, dude, what do you want to drink?” 

“Uhm, I’ll just have a water,” came Shane’s response from the couch, and Ryan hummed a song he had heard on the radio earlier as he held Shane’s glass under the spout on the door of the refrigerator, pressing on the “water” button until the cup was nearly full. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge for himself, popping it open absentmindedly as he watched Shane scroll through Netflix, his face slightly illuminated by the bluish glow radiating from the television.

Ryan smiled softly, reveling in the domesticity of the moment as he admired the adorable curve of Shane’s nose, the lovely color of his ey-

“Ryan?” Shane asked, and the believer snapped out of his trance, the moment broken. He turned away, blushing furiously. He _had_ to stop doing the staring thing. 

“Sorry, dude - got lost in thought for a second there,” he stammered out, ignoring the upward quirk of his friend’s brow. Shane laughed quietly, shaking his head. He stuck his tongue out at the skeptic, who in turn flipped him off. He laughed, and Shane smiled softly as he redirected his attention back to the television. 

\---

“Holy shit,” Ryan said, cackling. “That was-”

“Terrible,” Shane finished, laughing equally as hard. “Oh my god, that sucked so bad…” Ryan covered his mouth with his hand, full-on wheezing at this point. 

“Holy fuck, Shane, that was one of the worst ones yet,” he stated, his side starting to stitch up. Shane shook his head in disbelief. 

“How was that thing even released, Jesus Christ…”

“I have no fucking idea,” Ryan answered, his laughter slowly subsiding as he took a couple of deep breaths. The two sat there in comfortable silence for a few minutes, one of them bursting into laughter every thirty seconds or so. They eventually calmed down enough to switch off the tv and clear up the empty bottles and takeout containers. 

“Hey,” Shane said, clearing his throat. “Could we go up to the roof? I could kinda use some fresh air.” 

\---

“Woah,” Ryan gasped, in awe. The two men stood on the roof, looking out over the edge. From up here, you could see the whole city, and the large expanse of stars above them stretched on for infinity, instead of being broken up by buildings and billboards like it usually was from street level. Shane smiled, laughing quietly. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty great,” he mused, ruffling Ryan’s hair. His friend swatted his hand away, scrunching up his nose in anger, and he laughed, trying not to blush. 

“Alrighty, Big Guy,” Ryan began, leaning forward to rest his forearms on the roof’s concrete ledge. He did the same, glancing over at the believer. “What’s been going on?” Shane sighed, lowering his head to rest it on his hands, gazing out at the city stretched below them. 

“I’m just frustrated with myself, I guess,” he stated, lifting his head. 

“How so?” Ryan asked, and Shane sighed once again, his heart beating faster than Ryan running into the break room when someone brought in donuts. 

“I just...I did something really stupid. A couple of stupid things, actually,” he laughed, a tone of bitterness buried in his words. Ryan turned his head to face the skeptic, his eyes asking the question he didn’t need to. Shane sat down, his back now against the concrete barrier. Ryan did the same as Shane continued, “In January, I got an email from someone at Buzzfeed - someone a bit higher up than us. They, um, they offered me a new position as a production assistant. They saw my work on Buzzfeed Violet and thought I’d be a good fit for the opening they had. Anyways, I emailed them back and I told them that I’d, uh, that I’d think about it. We’ve been emailing back and forth for a bit about it, and...well, they emailed me this morning and they told me that they needed an answer by tomorrow night...so I told them yes.” Ryan smiled, excited.

“Shane, that’s great - a production job! Wow, dude - do you have any idea how many opportunities you’re gonna be presented with at that position? Shay, I’m so proud of you, that's-” he paused midsentence, as if he could sense the unrest tearing its way through Shane's mind. “Hey, Big Guy...what’s wrong?” he asked, concern written across his features. Shane swallowed nervously, hating himself for what he was about to say. 

“Well, the job...it’s for Buzzfeed, but...it’s for Buzzfeed...in, um, in New York,” he said, suddenly extremely interested in the back of his hand. Ryan’s breath hitched, and Shane tried to ignore the lump in his throat caused by the pained sound. 

“...Oh,” Ryan replied quietly, leaning his head back against the wall. “That's..."

“Yeah.” 

“Shane, that’s...that’s great! New York is...well, New York is New York,” Ryan said. Shane laughed quietly, nodding his head. “There’s so much more space for growth there, they have more people so there are more connections to be made…” he trailed off, sighing quietly. “It’s gonna be hard, though…you not being here….” 

“I’m sorry, Ry-”

“Don’t be sorry, Shane - this is exciting! I’d be kinda mad if you hadn’t accepted the offer,” Ryan pointed out, and Shane smiled slightly. 

“I almost didn’t.”

“Why?”

“You,” Shane whispered, and Ryan whipped his head around to face the skeptic. 

“I....why?” Shane shook his head slightly as he sighed, rubbing his face with his hands to hide the crimson blush building on the apples of his cheeks. 

“I dunno, Ry it’s just...the thought of leaving...the thought of leaving _you_ …it kinda terrifies me. And there’s, um, there’s just someone that I wish I’d been more honest with.”

“Who?”

“I’ll tell you later, I promise,” Shane said, not being able to bring himself to tell Ryan what he’d been holding in for so long - not tonight, not right now. 

“Ok,” Ryan said, and leaned his head down to rest it on Shane’s shoulder. The skeptic froze, understanding that the gesture was slightly more than platonic. _Relax, you idiot._ Slowly, he rested his head on top of Ryan’s, and the two of them sat there until the wind nipped at their noses and drove them inside. 

\---

They stood in Shane’s living room. Ryan glanced down at his watch. _12:14 am._

“Holy shit,” he murmured, and Shane lifted a brow in inquisition. “It’s past midnight,” Ryan said, and Shane chuckled. 

“Oops,” he grimaced, and Ryan laughed loudly, quickly quieting down so as not to wake his friend’s most likely sleeping neighbors. 

“How long?” Ryan asked quietly, and Shane tilted his head slightly. “Until you, uh, move.”

“Oh,” Shane said, scratching the back of his neck. “About five weeks - they want me to start as soon as possible. My landlord said she could end my lease early and it would cut down the price, which is good. I already found an apartment - it’s not very big, but it’s not super fucking expensive so that’s a plus. It’s in Brooklyn, about a 45-minute train ride from the Buzzfeed offices.” 

“Oh, nice. We’ve gotta get everyone together to have, like, a going-away party or something,” Ryan said, and the taller man nodded absentmindedly. 

“I’m gonna miss you, Ry…”

“I’m gonna miss you too,” Ryan said. He knew that Shane wasn’t leaving for a bit, but he was already starting to feel the pain of knowing that his time with his best friend, with the man he loved, was coming to an end, and it was almost unbearable. He wrapped his arms around Shane, burying his face in his chest. He felt Shane’s arms close around him and a head came down to rest on top of his. 

Ryan got home around 1 am, and lay awake in bed, thinking of Shane. He didn’t want to lose him. But what choice did he have?

\---

/ _November 15th, Buzzfeed offices_ /

“Dude, tonight is gonna be fucking awesomeeeeeeee!” Ryan called, spinning around in his chair as Shane walked towards his desk. Tonight was, indeed, going to be fucking awesome. Ryan and Jen had pulled some strings and had booked out a bar in downtown Burbank just for Shane’s going away party. They’d invited basically everyone they knew, and had spent probably a bit too much money on decorations and a live band for the night. 

“If you say so, Ry guy,” Shane mused, shrugging his jacket off of his shoulders and placing it on the back of his chair as he sat down. 

“Oh, I do say so, long legs,” Ryan quipped, and Shane laughed, playfully shoving Ryan, sending his chair a few feet in the other direction. His laughter turned maniacal as Ryan scrambled to find his balance, before pushing his way back to his desk, a disgruntled look on his face. It quickly dissolved into a grin when he took in Shane’s smiling face, and he attempted, to no avail, to cover the blush on his nose and cheeks with his forearm. Shane pretended not to notice, a rose tint of his own blossoming across his features.

The rest of the day passed normally, with the exception of many coworkers stopping by Shane’s desk to bid him farewell, even though most of them would be attending the party later that night. Ryan had to shoot an episode of Unsolved around 2 pm, so Shane spent the afternoon editing one last video in an empty conference room close to the sound stage where Ryan was filming. 

At 4:30, Jen stopped by Shane’s desk to let him know she was heading to the bar to set up, and to remind him that if he and Ryan were late she’d skin them alive with her bare hands. He had laughed her off, reminding _her_ that if she kept bugging him “on his last day of normality” he’d do the same to her. She had grinned, ignoring Ryan indiscreetly flipping her off, before heading to her car. 

It was 6:00, and Ryan was helping Shane pack up the rest of the stuff at his desk. Shane opened the bottom right drawer and pulled out the sweater he always loaned to Ryan. He stared at it for a moment and smiled softly. 

“Hey, Ry, catch.” he tossed the hoodie to Ryan, who caught the bundle of fabric with his face. Laughing as he peeled it off his head, Ryan raised an inquisitive brow. “I want you to have it,” Shane said, and the shorter man smiled softly. 

“Are you sure? It’s-”

“Yes, I’m sure. It’s basically yours anyways,” the skeptic pointed out, and Ryan laughed, pulling it on over the t-shirt he was wearing. Shane smiled, and Ryan pulled his arms through the too-long sleeves, not caring how big it was on him. 

“Thanks, dude,” Ryan responded, and Shane nodded in confirmation as he placed notebooks and random loose papers in his bag, shoving them into random places as best he could, like a game of Tetris. 

“You know, I bet you could fit a lot more shit in there if you actually had a method to it,” Ryan pointed out, and Shane feigned shock, placing a hand dramatically on his forehead, gaping. 

“How DARE you insult my methods, Ryan.”

“Oh, sweet Jesus-”

“This is an intensely thought-through method called Fuck Off I’m Too Lazy,” the taller man finished, drawing a wide smile from Ryan’s lips, one of his own plastered across his features. He closed the last drawer of his desk, stretching as he stood up. “Alrighty, Ry guy. I think I’m all packed up.”

“Cool - you go home and drop this stuff off and get changed, and I’ll be by to pick you up at 7:00,” Ryan offered, and Shane nodded. 

“Sounds good - see ya then, Ry.”

“See ya then.” 

\---

_Knock knock_

“Comingggg!” Shane called out from his bedroom, navigating his way through the maze of boxes that had yet to be shipped to his new apartment. Fortunately, Buzzfeed was paying for his relocation, so he didn’t have to sell too much of his stuff. _Un_ fortunately, this meant there were boxes _everywhere_. 

“It’s Ryan,” came his friend’s voice from the doorway. 

“Oh, come on in dude,” Shane said, and the sound of his friend closing the door behind him and heading down the hallway echoed throughout the nearly empty apartment. 

“It’s so weird, everything not being here,” Ryan mused, and Shane nodded his agreement as he finished buttoning up his shirt. Indeed, almost everything was gone - the only thing that was left to be packed up was stuff that Shane was bringing with him on the plane and his mattress. 

“Right?” Shane replied, smoothing his hair back with one hand. He popped his head out of the bathroom, to find his friend panning the apartment with his dark brown eyes. Shane took one last look in the mirror, taking in his outfit. He was wearing the same outfit he had worn the night of Jason’s party: dark pants, with a short-sleeved white button-up. He smiled. _Not bad, Shane,_ he thought to himself, smiling slightly. He exited the room, switching off the light. 

\---

Ryan froze at the sight of Shane. _Damn,_ he looks good, he thought to himself, blushing furiously. “You cleaned up nicely,” he said, and Shane laughed quietly. For some reason, Shane looked staggeringly familiar in a way that startled Ryan - he didn’t know what it was, but it was like some forgotten memory was trying to push its way to the surface-

“Thanks, Ry - I must say, I am very impressed with you as well,” Shane smiled, and Ryan, once again, fought to keep away the flush from his cheeks. He had put a decent amount of effort into his appearance, using hair gel to wrestle his dark curls into moderate tidiness. He wore black jeans with a singular rip across the left knee and a blue button-up. 

“Thanks,” he stuttered out, and Shane chuckled. 

“Flustered much, Bergara?”

“Shut up, Shane,” the believer countered, smiling softly at the sound of his friend’s loud laughter. “Alrighty, you ready to go? We’d better get going soon, or we’ll be late.”

“Yup,” Shane said, and the two friends headed out the door. 

\---

Shane and Ryan walked up to the bar. Countless cars were pulled up to the building, and he could see lights and decorations through a few of the windows. Shane started as he neared the front door and Ryan covered his eyes with his hands. 

“Ryan, what the hell-”

“It’s gotta be a surprise, dude,” Ryan responded, and the skeptic laughed softly. 

“Whatever you say, Ry.” he felt Ryan guide him through the door, and through an entryway-type area to a larger, open space. He could see flashes of light in between the gaps in Ryan’s fingers that covered his eyes, and he could hear the rustling of clothes and hushed breathing that signaled the presence of other people. His heart thrummed with excitement, and he could feel Ryan smiling behind him. 

Ryan’s hands flew away from his eyes, and he snapped his eyes open, in awe at the scene in front of him. Streamers were everywhere, and there was a huge banner spanning the width of two walls that read: _Congrats, Good Luck in NYC!_

" **Congratulations**!" his coworkers yelled, and Shane beamed. He felt Ryan clap him on the back, cheering along with the others. 

“Thank you so much!” he called out, and several people raised their drinks before dispersing back throughout the bar, the sound of electric guitars and drums pounding throughout the room, along with the chatter of countless coworkers and friends.

“You did all this for me?” he asked Ryan, who was standing by him, beaming. 

“Of course, Big Guy! We’re all gonna miss you like hell and wanted to say one last goodbye!” Ryan responded, and Shane pulled his friend into a tight hug. Ryan wrapped his arms around Shane, clapping him on the back a couple of times. 

“Alright,” Shane said, wrapping his arm around Ryan’s shoulders. “Let’s get wasted.” he smiled at Ryan’s outrageous laugh, and the two headed for the bar. 

\---

Sadly, they did not get wasted - Jen cut them both off at four drinks, which was usually the tipping point between buzzed and absolutely trashed for both of them. The party had been amazing. everyone had been amazing, and Shane spent the night making his rounds saying goodbye and talking with Ryan - he couldn’t think of a more perfect way to end off his time in Los Angeles. 

The night was winding down, and Shane stood next to his friend outside the bar, the two of them leaning against the outside wall in comfortable silence. The air was warm and light, and a sweet breeze drifted through the night, stirring leaves on the cracked pavement and tousling people’s hair. 

He glanced over to Ryan, taking in his best friend’s striking features; the dark curls that sat atop his head, creating a soft halo, the soft pronunciation of his jawline, and the beautiful, dark eyes that Shane could so easily find himself lost in. 

\---

Sensing his friend’s attention, Ryan turned to face Shane, smiling softly. He gazed into the honey-brown eyes that had become his sanctuary, completely at peace. 

“Hi,” he said quietly, a pleasant warmth rising to his face. 

“Hi,” Shane responded, a soft smile akin to Ryan’s gracing his features. Ryan didn’t know how to explain it, but this moment seemed to be on a different plane of reality; just the two of them, separate from the world, content with each other’s quiet presence. 

“I think I’m in love with you,” Shane whispered as he stared into the wide expanse of the star-filled sky in front of them. 

\---

Ryan’s heart nearly burst out of his chest, but a feeling of completeness washed over him. It was okay, everything was okay, everything was _more_ than ok. Because Shane loved him, and that was all that mattered. 

“Is that so?” Ryan responded softly, and Shane laughed. 

“Yeah, it is…” 

“Well then, I suppose we both have found ourselves in a similar predicament,” Ryan whispered, only loud enough for Shane to hear. 

\---

Shane whipped his head around to face the shorter man, in disbelief. 

“...we have?” Shane stuttered, and Ryan laughed softly. 

“You really are oblivious, Big Guy.” Shane blushed, running a hand through his hair. 

Another warm breeze drifted lazily through the air, seeming to push the two together. Shane obliged it, scooting closer to Ryan until they were nearly shoulder to shoulder. He smiled, but quickly stopped as a feeling of trepidation invaded his racing mind. 

“Ryan, I’m such a dick,” he muttered, shaking his head, annoyed with himself. 

“No, you’re-”

“I’m telling you this when I’m leaving tomorrow, but I - god, I just...I just couldn’t leave without telling you. I owe my best friend that much,” he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes and spilling over as he averted his gaze from the man he had come to love. He jolted slightly at the feeling of Ryan taking his hand. 

Ryan glanced over at Shane, gently stroking his friend’s hand with his thumb.

“You’re not a dick, Shane. I feel like you...like we...just...right now, I feel like the universe is against us,” Ryan mused, and Shane nodded. “I’m still hoping it’s you and me in the end, though. I always have. And I always will.” 

Shane smiled softly, squeezing Ryan's hand. 

"Shane," Ryan whispered, and the skeptic glanced down at him. Their eyes locked, a thousand words whispered silently between them. Ryan slowly moved closer, and Shane did the same until they were nearly chest to chest. 

Ryan looked up at Shane, soft joy in his gorgeous brown eyes. Slowly, Shane leaned in, and their lips met in a kiss that knocked the world out from underneath him. Ryan slid a hand into Shane’s hair, pulling him closer. He smiled against Ryan’s lips, and he could feel the shorter man doing the same. They broke apart, resting their foreheads together, eyes shut, and smiling softly. 

“Ryan Bergara,” Shane said. “Do you have any idea how unprofessional it is to kiss a coworker? I can’t believe you.” Ryan laughed, tilting his head back. Shane smiled, and Ryan shook his head slightly. 

“Technically not a coworker anymore,” the believer pointed out, and the taller man laughed.

Shane squeezed Ryan’s hand, and Ryan squeezed back, blushing furiously. Shane tilted his head down and rested it on top of Ryan’s, the happiest he’d been in years. He knew that tomorrow morning would be a whirlwind of painful emotions and goodbyes, but for now, he lived in this moment, reveling in the love that had consumed and remade him. He was a little bit scared of what would come after, but the only thing that mattered right now was Ryan. So he pushed away the fear, and silently vowed to remember this moment after he left; a warm breeze, some beautiful stars, and the man he loved. 

\---

/ _November 16th, LAX airport_ /

A year ago, if you had asked Shane Madej what the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life was, he’d probably give some bullshit answer like taking an AP trig exam or something about facing his fear of needles. 

As of today, he had a new answer. Standing in front of Ryan, knowing he was about to leave him for an unknowable amount of time, was much worse than any math test. 

“Shane,” Ryan said, his voice cracking. He reached out, taking his best friend’s hand one last time. “Don’t go,” he whispered weakly, and Shane pulled Ryan in for a tight hug, his hands shaking. 

God, how he wished he could. The thought of leaving Ryan made his heart ache so fiercely he could hardly breathe. 

“I’m gonna miss you Ryan,” he murmured into the shorter man’s hair through his tears. “So much.” He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye, and he knew that his shorter counterpart couldn’t either. So they silently separated, wiping away tears with trembling hands. Taking a shaky breath, Shane recalled the vow he had made to himself last night, and clung onto it, promising once more that he would remember. 

He would remember the late nights spent together on the couch, hands tentatively intertwined in an act they had both convinced themselves was platonic, even though they knew it was something more. 

He would remember last night, where time itself had stood still. 

And most of all, he would remember the love. The love that had consumed both of them, rooting itself deeply in their hearts, to never be removed. 

He would remember. 

His boarding group was called, and he tried not to dwell on the open emptiness of the future; not knowing if him and Ryan's paths would ever cross again. He could only hope. 

Attempting and failing to reign in his panic, Shane pulled Ryan into another tight embrace, resting his cheek on Ryan’s soft dark curls. 

“Ry… I’m so sorry,” he murmured, not knowing what else to say. 

“It’s ok, Big Guy,” Ryan said, smiling softly through his tears. “You’re gonna do great,” he whispered. Shane nodded tearfully, his stomach twisting into knots. 

"I've gotta go, Ry Guy," he whispered, struggling to force the words out. It was painful to speak them, to acknowledge, truly, that he was leaving. He was leaving, and worst of all, he was leaving Ryan behind. 

"I love you," Ryan whispered. Shane had never known what it felt like to have your heart truly shatter, but now he understood. The sharp stab of pain that pulsed through his chest was close to unbearable, striking his very being with waves of grief, unlike anything he'd ever felt before. 

"I love you too," he whispered in response. He pressed a soft kiss to Ryan's lips, a final apology that said more than his words ever could. Taking Ryan's hands in his, he smiled sadly. Walking backwards, he slowly released them, until the only things touching were their fingertips. Ryan pressed his into Shane's, smiling sadly. Shane did the same, a tear tracing down the side of his nose. He took one last step back, and their hands separated. His hands fell to his sides. Ryan nodded softly. Shane smiled, wiping away his tears before he finally walked toward the gate. The stewardess scanned his ticket, and motioned for him to board. He glanced back, making eye contact with his best friend, who smiled. And with that, Shane stepped onto the plane. 

He got the window seat. He hated getting the window seat. As he tried to maneuver his legs into a comfortable position, he stared out the small plexiglass opening to the gate windows. He spotted Ryan's small familiar figure almost instantly. He waved, though he knew nobody would see it. 

Had he continued to look, he would have seen his best friend, tears racing down his face, waving back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eheh. I'm sorry. thank you for reading, kudos and comments are hella appreciated. once again, thank you so much for reading! xx
> 
> follow my Tumblr? (https://andthestarssmiledback.tumblr.com/)


	4. Since I've Been Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty soooooo... this chapter is a bit different. I rewrote part of the song "Since You've Been Gone" (by Kelly Clarkson) to fit Shane's perspective after he leaves.

_Here's the thing, we started out friends  
It was great, none of it was pretend  
Yeah, yeah  
Since I’ve been gone  
We dedicated, We took the time  
I Was too late to call you mine  
Yeah, yeah  
Since I’ve been gone  
And all you'll ever hear me say  
Is how I picture me with you  
That's all you'll ever hear me say  
But since I’ve been gone  
I can’t breathe since that last night  
I can’t move on, no, no  
Thanks to me  
Now I’ll never get what I want  
Since I’ve been gone  
How can I put it? You put me on  
I wish we had fallen for that stupid love song  
Yeah, yeah  
Since I’ve been gone  
How come I'd never hear you say  
"I just wanna be with you"?  
When we’d always felt that way  
But since I’ve been gone  
I can’t breathe since that last night  
I can’t move on, no, no  
Thanks to me  
Now I’ll never get what I want  
Since I’ve been gone  
I had my chance, I blew it  
Out of sight, but never out of mind  
I’ll shut my mouth, I just can't take it  
Again, and again, and again, and again_

_Since I’ve been gone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are hella appreciated. I got this idea (inserting a song) from the fic "The Mysterious Disappearance Of Ryan Bergara", by Steeella - go check it out! thanks for reading! xx


	5. crown of daisies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes! sorry it took me a bit longer than usual to post this chapter - i had a little bit of writers block but ya girl got over it with the good ol' comic sans trick. aNyways, enjoy!

It had been four months. Four months since Shane had stared into Ryan’s teary brown eyes as he clutched his plane ticket in his shaking hands and knew that this was a huge mistake. Without Ryan by his side, he was lost, a tiny boat in the sea of people in this huge city that seemed to be alive itself. Four months of lying in his bed in his cramped apartment, listening to the sounds coming off of the street below and staring at the ceiling, thinking about the man that had been his best friend, the man that could have become more than that...

He was an idiot for ever leaving. But New York had seemed like such a good idea- the job was such a good opportunity, the Buzzfeed office in the city providing much more space to grow; it seemed like the ideal situation. He had quickly come to realize that it was much less than ideal. Shane missed Ryan’s laugh, and would often find himself looking to his right after hearing something humorous to watch the smaller man’s reaction, to see that smile that would make his heart race, only to find a space that his best friend should have filled.

He felt the emptiness everywhere he went; it followed him throughout the subway tunnels, through the park, into the office every day, and then sat on his chest, an unbearable weight, when he sat at home, alone, each night after work. The emptiness was crushing and infinite, and he knew that nothing could fill it except the brightness and love of the man that he had come to care so dearly for. The emptiness threatened to consume him, to crush him underneath its suffocating weight. 

After a while, he learned to lean into the emptiness. The pain was much easier to bear when it was constant than when it was random- he built up endurance. After about three months, he stopped trying. He would stay up until obscene hours in the morning before crying himself to sleep, leaving dark bags under his eyes that no amount of restless naps at his desk could cure. His hair became limp and was constantly greasy and unkempt, no matter how much he showered or brushed it. His face grew gaunt and empty, his once warm, soft brown eyes now hollow shells, dim without the joy that used to fill them. 

His friends noticed. They were always inviting him places, trying to get him out of his dark, lonely apartment, but he declined their offers, the outside world being too much input on his mind that was already overstimulated with an ever-present grief that was deeper than anything anyone could ever imagine. Even though he and Ryan texted every day, he still felt like he had lost his best friend; seeing a grey bubble filled with words seemed meaningless without being able to hear Ryan’s voice speak them. 

And so, Shane leaned in. He let the emptiness devour him, till only an empty shell was left; a shadow of the man that had once been. He had come to terms with it- without Ryan, what was the point? 

Nothing. 

Nothing at all. 

\---

It was a normal day at the office; Shane had shown up, exhausted from the minuscule amount of sleep he’d gotten the previous night, dodged his friends’ concerning looks, and settled in at his desk, headphones blocking out all outside stimulus until he was sucked into the numbing void of emptiness once more. He’d been reading over a proposal from one of their newest interns for a web series; something about testing the validity behind horoscopes or a concept along those lines. He was in the middle of typing a response to it when he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

Startled, he removed his headphones and turned around, to find Nicholas standing behind him. His friend smiled warmly, and Shane returned the gesture, the expression not reaching his heavy, empty eyes. 

“Hey, Nick. What’s up?”

“We-” Nicholas gestured to a few people gathered by the front doors, putting on hats and coats “-were going to go grab lunch at that new Thai place on 19th - Jenna said it’s really good. Wanna come?”

Shane mulled it over. He could use a break - reading over that proposal had taken up the whole first half of the day, and he had a meeting around 3 pm. While he usually turned down opportunities such as these, he felt he should give himself a break, try to forget about everything for a while. 

“Yeah, I’d love that,” he replied warmly, and Nick grinned, patting him on the shoulder. 

“Great! Grab your coat and meet us out front - we’ll wait for you.”

“Thanks, man.” Nick nodded and headed outside with the rest of the group. Shane pulled his coat on over his t-shirt, zipping it up quickly as he logged out of his computer and nudged his chair flush to his desk with a booted foot. His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out, running a hand through his messy brown hair. His heart soared as he looked at the notification bannered across the illuminated screen. 

_Ry Guy:_

**_Dear god, Joan got another chameleon. Her poor wife..._ **

Shane chuckled, unlocking his phone and quickly typing out a reply. 

_That’s what, number seven?_

**_Eight. One of them had a baby._ **

_Oh, man._

**_Yeah_ **

_Hey dude, I’ve gotta run - I’m headed out for lunch with some friends and they’re waiting for me._

**_Ok, have fun! I miss you a lot, Big Guy._ **

_I miss you too, Ry._

**_Oh, just so you know, I leave for a work trip tomorrow so I won’t be able to talk all day. You know how shitty that plane wifi is_ **

_Oh, yeah for sure. Where are you going?_

**_You’ll see ;)_ **

_What is that supposed to mean?_

**_Don’t worry about it - your friends are waitingggggg_ **

_You’re an enigma, Ryan Bergara._

**_You know it, Big Guy._ **

Smiling softly, Shane put his phone back in his pocket and ran to catch up with his friends. 

\---

Jenna had been correct about the Thai place. It was fucking great. Everyone had gotten Pad Thai (except for Ivy, she was allergic to peanuts), and they’d all agreed it was some of the best in New York. Adam had tried arguing there was a better place in Brooklyn, but Shane and Nick had quickly shut him down, both of them having been to the said place and finding it revolting. Adam had laughed them off, refusing to “bend to their agenda of horrible food and lies”, which had sent Carmen into a laughing fit. 

So, yeah. It was fucking great. They’d all decided to take a longer lunch and take the subway to a nearby park to walk around for a bit. They hopped on the 4 train and got off after a few stops, climbing the tiled stairs back into the bright world above them. 

The park was mostly empty, except for a few moms and dads pushing strollers and the occasional jogger. 

“Hey, guys! Come check this out!” Jenna called from a nearby fountain, looking down at the ground. Shane and the others walked over and found countless illustrations chalked onto the pavement, most likely by a class at the nearby elementary school. 

“Awwww, how cute,” came Carmen’s voice, and murmurs of agreement echoed throughout the group as everyone took in the drawings. Shane tilted his head to get a better-angled view of a sketch of a small, bright blue dinosaur. He smiled softly, remembering how he and Scott would draw stuff like this all over their driveway when they were younger. 

“Malory, quit it!” Shane turned his head to see a group of young girls running past, laughing quietly as one of them held something above her head, keeping it away from one of the smaller kids - a flower crown. His heart sank, his field of vision dissolving into blackness. 

_It was a sunny, cool day in early June, about a year into Shane’s stint at Buzzfeed. Food trucks were gathered in the parking lot, and Jen and Shane waited for Sara to get her food, holding recently purchased meals of their own in their hands. Jen popped a french fry into her mouth, and Shane elbowed her shoulder lightly._

_“Hey, we told Sara we’d wait for her!” Shane exclaimed, and Jen laughed, rolling her eyes._

_“It’s just one fry, I’m sure she won't mind,” she shot back, and Shane shook his head, feigning disgust._

_“Tsk, tsk, Jen.”_

_“Tsk, tsk indeed,” voiced the curly-headed woman as she approached her two friends, water bottle and food in hand. “What are we tsk-tsking about?”_

_Jen rolled her eyes, smirking slightly as Shane shook his head._

_“Our friend here was being extremely rude-”_

_“IT WAS ONE FRENCH FRY, SHANE!” Sara exploded into laughter, and Shane did the same as Jen flipped him off, making a big show of placing a fry into her mouth. The three of them walked to a table by a small yard-like area, sitting down on the red seats._

_“God, I have no idea how I’m gonna be able to finish that report by Monday,” Jen groaned, unwrapping her sandwich. Sara nodded her agreement._

_“Same - I have so much stuff to do for my presentation that day…”_

_Shane zoned out, thinking about the plans he had to see his family next week during the long weekend. He hadn’t been able to visit his parents for a long time, so it was exciting to be going home so soon. He felt Jen nudge his elbow with hers and snapped out of his trance. Jen laughed at the astonished look on his face, slinging a carefree arm around his shoulders._

_“Dude, how much are you sleepinggggg dear god-”_

_“-oh, shut up, Jen,” he grinned, and she laughed as she retracted her arm. Sara asked Jen something about a video they had filmed recently, and the two were quickly deep in conversation. Shane opened his mouth to add something when he heard it._

_That laugh. That goddamn gorgeous laugh that knocked the air from his chest._

_Ryan’s laugh._

_He turned his head in the direction of the sound until his eyes fell on his best friend. He sat in the grass, cross-legged, and was talking with Maycie. She sat with her back to him, and he was loosely braiding flowers into her hair; most likely some of the small white ones that grew on the lawn. Shane’s heart soared, and it flew even higher when he realized the believer had a crown of the same flowers resting atop his head, creating a halo around his dark brown curls._

_As if he noticed Shane’s gaze, Ryan looked over and made eye contact with the skeptic. He smiled, and Shane did the same, waving slightly with the hand that held his water bottle. Ryan inclined his head, smiling once more before returning to his conversation with Maycie. Face as red as a firetruck, Shane tore his gaze away from his best friend, grinning like an idiot._

**“Shane.”**

**“Shane.”**

**_“Shane!”_ **

Jenna watched as Shane’s eyes snapped open, and she sighed with relief. Everyone else did the same, and Carmen’s eyes creased with concern. 

“Sorry, guys…” Shane muttered, realizing with a sinking feeling he’d had another episode. He tended to get these...flashbacks whenever things got especially bad. And things had for sure gotten especially bad. 

“What was-are you-are okay?” Carmen said quietly, staring into his eyes, no doubt trying to see if he was high as a kite. He brushed her off, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. 

“Yeah… I’m ok. I just- just got a little light-headed.”

“A little light-headed?” Jenna challenged firmly. “You stumbled over to this bench and collapsed. What is going _on,_ Shane? We’re worried about you - Adam said this has already happened a couple of times…”

Sighing, Shane replied, “I can’t get into it right now…”

“C’mon, dude-”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” he exclaimed, standing up. His tone was harsh, but Jenna picked up on the pain in his eyes, understanding there was something more to this than what anybody else could perceive. Her face crumpled, she hated seeing him like this. 

She heard Shane’s phone ding and watched as he quickly pulled it out and checked his notifications. 

“My meeting for later today got canceled,” he said curtly. “I don’t feel well, I think I’m gonna head home early. Have a good afternoon, I’m sorry about how rude I’m being, there’s just a lot going on right now. Love you guys.” and with that, he turned on his heel, headed for the subway. 

Jenna felt a pang of regret in her chest as she watched him walk away. She wanted to go after him. She stood up to do so but felt a gentle hand hold her back - Carmen. Sighing sadly, she let him go. 

\---

Shane got off the train near the office and walked the last two blocks to the building. Once inside, he quickly headed to his desk, grabbed his things, and walked back out the large front doors. 

He hopped back on the same train, got off at another stop, then got on another train that took him all the way home to his apartment in Brooklyn. As he walked the last few minutes from the station to his building, he tried to ignore the pain- The pain he felt so deeply, in knowing there would never be another moment of careless joy like that early summer day, cut deeper than a blade. It tore into his very being, destroying any small fragment of hope he had held onto these last few months. 

He held himself together long enough to get home. He stumbled across the threshold, shedding layers of bags and coats as he walked through his too-silent apartment, filling that horrible quiet with his muffled sobs. He reached his dark bedroom and collapsed onto the bed, tossing and turning for what seemed like eons until he fell into a restless sleep, filled with unintelligible dreams of a mangled, broken smile that could have been the believer’s. He slept all night and well past midday, oblivious to the countless missed calls and texts from the man he loved with all of his pain-consumed heart.

He woke up Saturday afternoon, his throat screaming for water. He drearily limped to the kitchen, drank a glass of water, and tried to suppress the thoughts pounding through his aching head. 

He ordered takeout for dinner, and ate it in silence on his couch, under a blanket. That is until he realized Ryan had given him the blanket. He kicked it off, and it flew across the room before falling into a heap on the floor by the main window. He averted his gaze, threw away his rubbish, and went to bed. He didn’t know if he could stand being awake much longer. 

So he slept. 

And slept. 

And slept. 

  
  
  
  
  


_“Memories, you see, hurt. The good ones most of all.”_

_-Harlan Coben_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it'll *probably* get better soon... kudos and comments are hella appreciated!! ok so to be honest idk if I'll keep writing this... we'll see. thanks for reading! xx


	6. Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! I'm really sorry I haven't updated for quite a bit, things have just been kind of crazy for me and I only got around to editing the rough raft I had for this chapter a couple days ago. thank you so much for being patient with me! also, I apologize for the (super super) short length of this chapter, its purpose is sort of minimal but kinda independent enough so that I can't necessarily group it in with the next chapter. happy reading!

Shane woke up with a pounding headache, despite the absence of alcohol in his system. Groaning, he rolled out of bed, promptly falling onto the floor below with a resounding _thud_. He begrudgingly dragged himself into a feeble standing position, unceremoniously shoved his glasses onto his face, and lumbered his way into the bathroom. 

“Damn,” he rasped as he took in his pitiful reflection. He hadn't shaved, and the subtle shadow of a scraggly beard was visible across the lower part of his face. He sighed. There were dark bags under his eyes, a product of his recent poor sleeping habits, and an overall aura of dreariness was evident across his person. 

Scratching his jaw absentmindedly, he staggered his way back into the bedroom and checked the time on his phone. 

**_12:09._ **

_One missed call from_ **Ry Guy** , read a notification bannered across his lock screen. Another one read:

 ** _Ry Guy_ ** _,_ _12:02 pm:_

Hey, are you home right now?

Confused, Shane opened the messages app and responded. 

> _Yeah, why?_
> 
> **Don’t worry about it**
> 
> _Ryan, I’ve gotta go shower, don’t do anything stupid._
> 
> **No promises.**

Laughing softly, Shane headed for the bathroom. 

\---

/ _1 pm_ /

Shane sat on his couch with a cup of coffee, the only sounds in his apartment being the quiet rustling of pages from the book in his lap and the faint music coming from somewhere across the hall. Shane nearly dropped his mug as three short raps sounded from the front door. Confused, he lowered his drink to the table in front of him and stood up. He hadn’t ordered anything online recently, and he wasn’t expecting any visitors. 

Bemused, he made his way across the living room, and slowly cracked open the door, expecting an awkward interaction with some misdirected stranger.

Instead, his eyes were met with one of the best sights he’d ever seen. 

***

Ryan stared at Shane, swallowing nervously. He knew he would see him while he was here, but he wasn’t sure Shane wanted to see _him_.

His eyes panned over the skeptic anxiously. He looked ghostly. His face was empty of the joy that Ryan had become so drawn to, and his eyes, once a warm caramel color that made Ryan’s insides feel like melted butter, were dull and empty. It broke his heart to see Shane like this. 

Over the past few months, Ryan had tried to convince himself that Shane didn't exist outside of their texts and calls. It was easier. If he didn't, he might do something stupid, something that he would regret. So, yeah. It was easier. 

But there Shane was, looking at Ryan like he’d seen one of the spirits whose existence he so adamantly discredited. Anxiously, Ryan looked into Shane's eyes, searching for a whisper of something that once was, something that could have been love, something that could have been beautiful. 

“Hi, Shane…” he said quietly, smiling softly. The taller man smiled back at him.

“Hey, Ry… it's been a while.”

“Yeah, it has…” Ryan responded shakily, his breath uneven. He didn’t know quite when it happened, but tears started to spill over from his dark brown eyes. Shane’s face became riddled with concern.

“Ry-”

“I’ve missed you so fucking much…” the believer whispered, and Shane’s face crumpled. 

“I know, little guy- I’ve missed you too.”

Ryan threw his arms around Shane, holding so tight it was as if he’d never let go.

***

Shane buried his face in Ryan’s hair. 

And then it hit him. 

Ryan was _here._

**_Ryan._ **

***

Shane sat down on the couch next to Ryan, handing his friend a root beer he’d gotten from the fridge, sipping his own as he did so.

“How’d you get time off to come out here?”

“Well, _technically_ ,” Ryan started, running a hand through the messy mop of dark curls atop his head, “I’m working right now. The higher-ups at your offices wanted me to do some stuff for them, and I may or may not have suggested it would be easier if I were to do said stuff on-site.”

“Of course you did,” Shane laughed, shaking his head in amusement. “What kind of work are they wanting you to do?"

“Oh, it’s just some simple stuff, really - they wanted someone to provide some input on a project they’re pulling together. I’ll be here for about a week, I leave next Tuesday.”

“Cool. How’s that going to work? Like, are you having meetings with them every day, or…?”

Ryan nodded, taking another sip of his root beer before responding. “Sort of - I’ll just be in the building all week, having a few meetings with them, drafting a couple proposals, stuff like that.” Shane smiled, starting to get excited. 

“Wait - you’ll be working in the offices?” he asked, and Ryan nodded, grinning. 

“Yup. Get used to it, Big Guy,” the believer said, stretching. “I’ll be here all week.” 

Shane beamed. He couldn’t think of anything better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't wait to finish up this next chapter so that you guys can read it ahhh! on a sort of serious note, I just want to thank you guys for actually reading this?? I've been kinda down about how little attention this is getting (god that sounds so fucking pretentious I'm really sorry) but it's really nice to know that the few people that are actually reading this like it and are invested in it--so thank you!! [also: sorry if this chapter made zEro sense, I'm finishing this up at exactly 2 am soooo…]
> 
> thx for reading! xx
> 
> [hello Julia I apologize]


	7. a tiny universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back my dudes! enjoy the chapter!

Shane had a couple bad habits—not turning the water off while he brushed his teeth, accidentally leaving the lights on in the kitchen when he went to bed, and sleeping in just long enough to make him a couple minutes late for work. The third one was what was going to get him in trouble today.

He and Ryan had stayed up fairly late last night watching a movie; it was around 2 when Ryan had bid the skeptic farewell and headed off to his hotel room around twenty minutes away. Being too lazy to stagger all the way down the hallway to the quiet sanctuary of his bedroom, Shane had flopped down onto the couch and immediately dozed off, dead to the world.

He’d woken up thirty minutes after he normally rolled out of bed, startled awake by the sound of his phone’s ringtone. Lazily, he extended a somewhat sore arm (he must have slept on it weird) towards the coffee table to grab the beeping device. Frowning at the too-bright screen, his eyes snapped wide open when he saw the time.

_ “shitshitshitshitshit _ .” Fumbling to throw off the blanket draped across his legs, Shane scrambled upwards as he answered the phone.

“Yeah?” he rasped, clearing his throat quickly. A laugh sounded from the other line. His heart skipped a beat.

“Dude, are you just now waking up?” came Ryan’s voice, a tone of amusement intertwined with his words. Shane made a disgruntled noise that could have been a growl.

“nnnnshut up. No. Maybe.” Silence. “Yes,” he admitted painfully. Ryan cackled, and Shane tried not to blush at the sound. It was one that he hadn’t heard in a long time, and he hated to admit how much it warmed his heart. “You’re so mean,” he said, dragging a hand over his eyes.

“I may be mean, but I’m not gonna be the one who’s late to work,” came the believer’s sarcastic reply, and Shane waved him off (as if he could see him).

“I’m not gonna be late.”

“Uh huh, sure. I’ll be there to pick you up in twenty minutes, you better be dressed and ready to go when I get there.”

“nghhhhhh,” Shane groaned.

“You’ll be fine, Big Guy. Go get ready.” The skeptic let out another exasperated noise as the call ended and dashed through his apartment to take a shower at superluminal speeds.

Hopping down the hallway, towel around his waist, Shane tousled his dripping hair, trying to shake it dry. As he hobbled into his bedroom, he checked the time.

“ _ Fuck _ ,” he whispered. Ryan would be here any minute. Indeed, as he set his phone down, a knock at the door confirmed his theory. “IT’S UNLOCKED!” he shouted, retreating into his bedroom and hastily pulling on boxers and shimmying into a pair of black-washed jeans.

The sound of Ryan opening and closing the front door and walking down the hallway echoed throughout the apartment, and Shane stuck his torso out from his bedroom, locking eyes on his friend, heart warming as he took in the familiar ripped jeans and dark, messy curls. “Hey, sorry, I’m almost ready, I’ve just gotta get dressed.”

“You’re not…dressed?” Ryan stammered, and Shane laughed.

“Oh, calm down, I have on pants,” the skeptic reassured, chuckling slightly. Ryan forced out a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his neck. Heat rushed to his cheeks, and he cleared his throat awkwardly.

“I’m gonna, uh, get a glass of water,” he stuttered. Shane nodded, and the believer retreated to the kitchen, shaking his head in annoyance at himself. 

_ Chill the Fuck out, Ryan, _ he thought to himself, carefully rummaging around in Shane’s cabinets for a glass. He located one and held it under the filter on the sink, taking a deep breath as he sipped the cool liquid, trying to push the image of Shane’s bare chest out of his mind. He couldn’t afford to think like this right now. He couldn’t. 

Sighing, he turned back towards the hallway, to find a (fully clothed) Shane watching him from the doorway, leaning on the doorframe and affixing Ryan with a skeptical expression, a singular brow quirked upwards in inquistion.

“You’re being weird,” came his lilting voice, and Ryan’s cheeks grew red again. 

“I’m not being weird, you’re being weird,” he retorted. Shane laughed quietly, shaking his head. 

“Excellent comeback, Bergara. Ten out of ten. Where  _ do  _ you come up with th-”

“I swear to god if you don’t stop acting like an asshat I’m gonna call your mom and tell her you still don’t know how to actually do your taxes.”

Shane gasped mellodramatically, feigning shock. “You wouldn’t  _ dare _ .”

“Just watch me, Big Guy,” Ryan responded, heading for the door. “Let’s get a move on.”

“Whatever you say, little dude,” Shane said, and followed Ryan outside, pausing briefly by his door to lock it. Ryan pretended not to notice the few times that Shane’s hand brushed against his as they walked side by side down the stairs. 

Ryan got into the car and fastened his seatbelt. Shane did the same, though it took him about twice the time as he had to adjust his seat, sighing in exasperation as the seat slowly inched back far enough for him to comfortably fit his legs into the car. Ryan watched, painfully attempting to hold back his laughter. 

“You good there, Big Guy?” he snickered, and Shane rolled his eyes. 

“Never been better.”

***

They pulled into the parking garage at 8:57. Panicking, Ryan clambered out of the car, gathering his bag into his arms before hurriedly tossing it onto his shoulder. 

“ _ Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck  _ I have a meeting at 9:05-“

“Chill, Ry, I’ll show you how to get there, you’ll be fine,” Shane reassured, stepping out of the car onto the pavement and grabbing his laptop bag from the back seat. Ryan locked the car as Shane shut his door, and the two headed inside. 

“Hey, Shane!” 

Ryan turned his head, to find a bespectacled, shorter woman with striking blue hair approaching them. The taller man nodded in greeting, a smile lighting up his face. 

“Look who it is!” came Shane’s excited response, as he quickly pulled the woman into a one-armed hug. “Sorry, I don’t have a lot of time to chat right now. I gotta get the little guy-“ he nodded in Ryan’s direction “-to a meeting.”

“That’s fine!” The woman responded warmly, sending a friendly smile Ryan’s way. He lifted a hand in acknowledgment, and glanced down at his watch.  _ 8:59.  _ Shane finished exchanging pleasantries with the woman, and turned back to Ryan. 

“Alrighty, where’s your meeting?” he asked, and Ryan quickly pulled out his phone to check. 

“Uh, 314,” he responded, and Shane nodded. 

“Off we go!” Exclaimed the skeptic, animatedly strolling across the lobby and down a nearby hallway. Ryan followed close behind, laughing quietly. 

“ _ Dork _ ,” he murmured under his breath affectionately, and Shane whipped his head around. 

“Ex _ cuse  _ me?” his friend said loudly, and Ryan shushed him, laughing. 

“Nothing.”

“Mhmm.”

“Shut Up.”

“No you.”

“Mature.” Ryan and Shane walked through the bustling halls, navigating around groups of people on their ways to various places throughout the building. “So,” the believer began, his voice taught. “Who was she? That lady?”

“Oh, Charlie?”

“Uh, I guess.”

“Oh, she and I worked on a few scripts together a couple weeks ago. We got lunch one time. She’s neat.”

“Cool.” 

There was a pause, before: “Why, are you interested in her?”

Ryan choked on nothing. “No! Absolutely not!” he exclaimed, and Shane laughed loudly. Ryan glanced around them anxiously, but nobody passing by seemed to mind the less-than-quiet friends strolling through the halls. 

“I’m just teasing ya, Ry,” Shane said, grinning. The two fell silent, smiles fading, both of them thinking the same thing. 

***

“Well, here it is,” Shane said, gesturing to the door in front of them. “314.” 

Ryan smiled at the skeptic. “Thanks, dude. I guess I’ll see you later?” 

Shane nodded, smiling. “How does Thai sound for lunch?” 

Ryan grinned. “Sounds great,” he replied. Clapping the shorter man on the shoulder, Shane smiled. 

“Well, good luck with your meeting!”

“Thanks, I’m gonna need it.”

“Nah, you’ll be fine, people here are chill.”

Ryan nodded, starting to get somewhat nervous. 

“Oh,” Shane said, leaning closer to Ryan. “I do so know how to do my taxes.” He scampered off before the believer could get a word in edgewise, leaving Ryan to smile widely before opening the door to the conference room. 

***

Shane took Ryan to the Thai place for lunch. They’d shared an order of pad thai, neither of them hungry enough to finish an entire thing after the inhuman amount of popped kernels they’d scarfed down the previous night. 

They took a longer than usual break, deciding to aimlessly wander the bustling, loud streets of New York before returning to the dull, dreary Monday atmosphere of the office. Ryan had never been to the big apple; he’d only heard Steven talk about it. 

Everything he’d been told in no way described the way the city felt. Words couldn’t capture the way rushed energy flowed through the air like an electric current, couldn’t capture the obnoxious sounds floating along the streets from every direction, and they most certainly couldn’t capture the way the city’s lights reflected in the dark whirlpools of Shane’s eyes, making a tiny universe that he found himself drifting into more often than he’d care to admit. 

The city itself seemed to live, to breathe, to know. It was terrifying and enrapturing and it took Ryan’s breath away. It fitted Shane, too. It made sense that someone so alive would want to live in a city that was, too.

“You good there, little guy?” Shane asked, looking at Ryan with a bemused expression on his face. 

“Yeah--it’s just….a lot to take in.”

“Yeah, I get that. I like it, though.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s ugly in a lot of places, I know. But then you see the sun reflecting off the buildings, and hear the subway rattling underneath your feet, and it just feels so…” he paused, not knowing how to put it into words. 

“Painfully human?” Ryan offered, and the skeptic nodded thoughtfully. 

“Yeah--but in a good way, like-”

“-Like you wouldn’t have it any other way?”

Shane nodded in agreement, smiling, and Ryan tried to ignore the fact that he knew what he was saying went deeper than the city, deeper than the subway rushing by beneath them, deeper than anything he had ever known. 

***

Tuesday and Wednesday were largely uneventful, but not dull; no moment with Ryan could ever be, in Shane’s opinion. Hell, he could spend four hours just listening to him go on and on about anything and everything. Probably longer. Definitely longer. 

The better part of both days was spent working side by side on one of the many nearby couches, quietly enjoying the other’s company and occasionally pausing to exchange a few words. Shane fell in love with the simplicity of it all; he would pick Ryan up at 8:15, they’d stop by a nearby cafe for some coffee, and pull into work around 8:45, settling onto their couch and spending the whole day separated from the normal hustle and bustle of the office. 

He also managed, somehow, to fall for Ryan all over again. Hearing his laugh, seeing the light in his warm brown eyes, just being near him every day kindled the spark that Ryan had started in him over a year ago to grow into an enormous blaze once more. 

He scolded himself for it; what’s the point in reaching so desperately for something you’ll never be able to grasp? He knew that Ryan had to go back to the other side of the damn country in less than a week, but he tried to not think about it too much. He tried to let himself have hope. Hope for what, he had no idea. 

***

/ _ Thursday _ / 

To say that Ryan was exhausted was an understatement. He’d hardly slept the night before, staying up working on a proposal, and the little sleep that he’d gotten was in no way enough to provide him with enough energy to function. And, on top of all that, he’d been late to a pretty important meeting due to the one preceding it lasting longer than it was supposed to. He was stressed, and it showed. 

Shane had, of course, immediately noticed the second Ryan slumped down on the couch next to him. 

“What’s going on?” the skeptic asked, concern knitting his brows together. 

“Nothing,” Ryan said bluntly, hating himself for how sharp the words came out. 

“You sure?”

There was a pause, before: “I wasn’t able to sleep until like four, and today has just...I dunno...it’s just sucked.” Shane nodded sympathetically, draping his jacket over Ryan like a blanket. 

“I’m sorry, buddy,” he said quietly, slinging an arm around Ryan’s shoulders. Ryan leaned into the touch, the weight of Shane’s limb a comforting presence, grounding him to reality when his brain wanted so badly to wander somewhere else in its tiredness. Shane moved his hand to ruffle Ryan’s hair and then resumed the work he was doing. 

Ryan leaned his head down on Shane’s shoulder, not having the energy to do any more work for a few minutes. He listened to the sound of Shane’s typing. Before he knew it, the sound of his friend’s fingers clicking across the keys, combined with the warmth from the jacket layed across his torso, lulled him to sleep. 

Shane noticed Ryan’s slowed breathing, and looked down. Smiling, he returned his attention to his laptop, being careful to not type too loudly so as not to wake him. 

The sound of approaching footsteps made Shane look up, and he saw Amanda standing there, grinning like an idiot. He shot a death glare at her that could have melted steel. It said “if you so much as breathe too loudly and he wakes up, I will devour your kneecaps for breakfast”. Silently laughing, she retreated out of the room. Smiling, Shane glanced down at his friend. A warm feeling pooled in his stomach, and his cheeks flushed pink. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter eight should be up relatively soon, thank you so much for reading! xx


	8. wasted time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey folks, it's been a second since i updated, sorry about that! enjoy the chapter!
> 
> also: i didn't beta this chapter, i'm too tired, sorry if there's some mistakes eheh

/ _ Friday _ / 

Everyone else had gone home hours ago. The only people left in the office were Ryan, Shane, and the occasional custodian. The two were sitting in a conference room, papers strewn across the oval shaped table, the ever-present sound of typing floating through the room. 

The both of them had projects to finish up by Monday morning, and they had opted to get them done that night instead of over the weekend; neither of them wanted to have to work on their days off.

Sighing, Ryan let his head fall to the table with a thud. 

“ _ Ughhhhhhhhh _ .”

“Ditto,” Shane sighed. Stretching, he leaned back in his chair. “You know,” he said, rubbing his eyes. 

There was a pause. Ryan laughed. “I know what?”

“Oh fuck, did I not finish the sentence?”

“Nope.”

“Jesus Christ I need sleep,” Shane muttered, and Ryan laughed quietly. 

“I think we both do,” Ryan said, yawning. “What time is it?”

“You literally have a clock on your computer-“

“Nghhhhhh I don’t wanna turn my headddd-“

“You are ridiculous, Ryan Bergara,” Shane chuckled. He glanced down at his wrist. He blanched as he read the small numbers shown on the watch face. “It’s 2:30.”

“Fuck.”

“How much longer do you think you have left on yours?”

“Only about ten minutes, thank god. You?”

“Same here,” Shane breathed, running a hand through his hair. “Let’s just power through.”

The clicking of keys circulated around the conference room as Ryan and Shane struggled to finish their projects, desperate to get home by 3:00, as unrealistic as it was. 

Several minutes later, with a flourishing close of his laptop, Ryan proudly announced to Shane and the dead spider on the floor that he was finished. The skeptic followed suit shortly, and the two men slumped back in their chairs, relieved. 

“Remind me to never volunteer to help Julian with a project ever again,” Shane sighed, rubbing his tired eyes with hands sore from typing. “I love the guy, but dear god….”   


Ryan laughed, patting Shane on the shoulder. “Knowing you, the next time he asks you’ll agree without learning what it is.”

“Oh shut up,” the taller man laughed, not meaning it. 

“That’s my line.” Ryan smiled slightly as his friend’s face dissolved into exasperation. 

That word nagged at him. 

_ Friend.  _

Is that all they were? It had to be, he told himself. It had to. They did normal friend things: working together, going to lunch, sharing clothes, kissing at bars late at night-

_ Shit _ , Ryan thought.  _ Stop worrying about this. It was a thing for a while, but it’s done now. Stop it.  _ As much as he reprimanded himself, he couldn’t seem to force it out of his mind. 

“-and then...Ryan?”

“What?” The believer blinked in surprise, and Shane chuckled.

“Something on your mind, little guy?”

“I...no.”

“Okay, if you say s-”

“What are we?” Ryan blurted out, instantly hating himself for it. 

“You -- you’re my best fr-”

“Is.... Is that it?”

“Ryan, I don’t know-”

“Look, I don’t know how you feel, but I know how -- how I feel,” Ryan stammered, a lump forming in his throat. “I know that I love you, and I know that’s not going to change. And because of that, I don’t know what to do, bec-”

“Whoever said that I don’t love you,” came Shane’s shaky voice. The sentence was a whisper, barely audible, but it resonated in Ryan’s heart louder than any shout ever could have. Ryan’s breath hitched, and he looked up from the floor, turning his wide eyes to Shane, who couldn’t seem to do the same. 

“I...Shane, I can’t do this,” Ryan whispered, trying to fight the tremor in his voice. “I can’t let you just...I don’t know...waste all this time on me. You deserve...god, you deserve someone better than me,” he forced out, biting down on his tongue. 

“Ryan, don’t say that-”

“It’s true! And you know it is, I-”

“No it isn’t!”

“Shane, I live across the country, nearly 2,000 miles away-”

“2,780.” Shane whispered, tears starting to form at the corners of his eyes. “2,780 miles. I feel it every day. The distance.” 

Ryan’s heart sunk into his shoes. 

“Shane…. I don’t want -- I don’t want to get in the way of you, I don’t know, meeting someone better, I just-”

“How could anyone be better? Ryan, how many times do I have to tell you that I lo-”

“Shane, stop. I-” he quickly wiped away the tears that had fallen down the bridge of his nose “-please, just stop. I don’t want you to waste your time on me!”

“Ry…” Shane whispered, small droplets coursing down his cheeks. 

“I’m leaving, Shane. I’ll see you later.”

“Ryan, please-”

“Goodbye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY I SWEAR IT GETS BETTER
> 
> kudos and comments feed my huge ego 
> 
> thanks for reading! xx


	9. zombies and fenceposts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok first things first: i didn't beta this bc it's like 2:30 in the morning, sorry if there's some lil mistakes here and there/this chapter is completely incoherent (I'll probably re read this in the morning and hate myself for posting it but it's fiNe)
> 
> also, sorry this chapter is a tad short! enjoy!

/ _ 4:30 am _ /

Shane knew that this was a bad idea. He kept reminding himself this as he sat on the subway, white-knuckling the pole, not to remain upright, but rather to ground himself to reality.

The mumbled announcement system called out his stop. Not quite seeing straight, Shane stepped off the train, walked across the platform, and stumbled up the metal stairs. 

He paused when he reached the bustling world above, taking it all in. The street was still crammed with cabs and people despite the early (or late? He couldn’t tell.) hour. Sighing, he jammed his hands into his pockets and shuffled his way down the sidewalk, reaching his destination after a few blocks spent arguing silently with himself and scaring off the occasional pigeon. Glancing up at the illuminated sign, he tried not to hyperventilate.

_ The Holiday Inn.  _

***

Ryan didn’t know what to do with himself. He’d tried turning on the tv, but his racing thoughts still perpetuated in his mind, the faint voice of James Corden only adding to the chaos. He’d eventually switched it off, deciding to wallow in self-hatred and eat ice cream. Probably not the best choice, but he wasn’t exactly on a good-choice streak tonight, was he?

He was about to finally go to bed (stare at the ceiling and try to ignore the budding feeling of panic in his brain) when he heard three short raps on the door. Confused, he padded over to the entranceway and peered through the small peephole. 

The floor seemed to sway under his feet as he took in the tense figure of his best friend. 

“Shane, please go away. I’ve fucked up enough tonight, I don’t want to-”

“Please, Ry,” the skeptic pleaded, the desperation laced through his words smacking Ryan across the face. It was this same desperation that grabbed Ryan’s hand and brought it to the doorknob, twisting it open with a painful squeak. 

“Shane, I-” he was cut off as his friend pulled him into a tight hug. He melted into the embrace, quickly reciprocating it. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” he breathed into Shane’s chest. “I love you, please know that. I love you, and it absolutely terrifies me, I just-”

“I know,” Shane whispered into the believer’s hair, blinking back tears. “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for leaving. I shouldn’t have ever left, I was running away from you when I should have been sprinting in your direction....”

“No, Shane, don’t apologize, you did what you had to do to be happy, and that’s all I want,” Ryan responded, pulling back to look into the skeptic’s eyes. Shane averted his gaze, tears leaving tracks down his cheeks. 

“I wasn’t happy, though. I missed you so hard it hurt, I didn’t know…”

“What to do with yourself?” Ryan finished, and Shane nodded, smiling tearfully as he finally made eye contact with the believer. 

“I think I do now, though,” he whispered, and Ryan smiled as he leaned in, their lips meeting in a tentative kiss; a whispered promise. 

The two broke apart, noses touching, both of them barely breathing. Ryan smiled softly before their mouths met again in a kiss that tore his trampled, damaged heart out of his chest and made it whole again, maybe even more so than ever before.

***

“Have you ever been to the Museum of Natural History?” Shane asked, laying next to Ryan on the hotel bed, their legs and hands intertwined as a movie played on the tv in front of them. They’d decided that sleep was arbitrary at this point, and had instead opted to search for new shitty horror movies. Fortunately, this hotel had several, all in varying degrees of badness. They’d chosen one called  _ After It All _ , a horrible zombie movie who’s visual effects made Ryan squirm. 

“Not yet, but I’ve always wanted to,” Ryan said, pressing further into Shane’s side as the main protagonist impaled her zombified ex-girlfriend with a fencepost and greenish-brown blood splattered onto the ground. 

“Do you wanna go on Sunday? We don't have to, but there's this really cool exhibit they have right now that I think you'd like...."

“I’d love to,” Ryan said, smiling.

“Yayyyy,” the skeptic whispered, drawing a grin from the believer’s face. He glanced at the tv, which was now rolling the movie’s credits (surprisingly long for something that could have been put together by a group of fourth-graders), and yawned. 

“I think we should probably go to sleep if we want to be awake before 3 pm,” Ryan mumbled as he stretched, extending his arms above his head. " Could...could you stay here?” 

“Sure, little guy,” the skeptic smiled. Yawning, Ryan climbed under the covers. He did the same, and the believer buried his face in his chest. Smiling softly, Shane rested his cheek on Ryan's soft curls. 

“Goodnight,” Ryan whispered, smiling softly. 

“Goodnight, Ry.” 

Shane pressed a kiss to Ryan’s hair before succumbing to the sweet pull of sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tOld you it would get betterrrrrrrr
> 
> kudos and comments feed my huge ego
> 
> thanks for reading! xx


	10. any other way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello ladies and gentlethems, enjoy the chapter!
> 
> also: didn't beta read this, there might be some mistakes, sorry everyone!

The Museum of Natural History was busy. Not as busy as Pink’s hotdog stand on a Saturday, Ryan thought to himself as he and Shane purchased their tickets. But still busy. He let the skeptic pull him through the crowd and into a smaller hallway off the main lobby, then up a small flight of stairs. 

“Are you going to murder me?” Ryan asked incredulously, glancing around the stairwell. 

“Nah, that’s later in the year,” Shane said, and Ryan barked out a laugh. The corners of the taller man’s mouth quirked up slightly as he walked down the hall, shoes clapping against the polished floor. 

“What exhibit do you want to show me, exactly?” 

“You’ll see.”

“See, you saying stuff like that makes me think your plans have moved up in the year.”

“Oh, hush.” Shane halted in front of two large glass doors. “Here we are!” he exclaimed, thrusting his arms outward in a grand gesture. Ryan squinted, reading the sign next to the door. 

“ _The butterfly conservatory_? Shane, if you’re gonna make me look at a bunch of dead insects tacked to a board, I’ll move up _my_ murder plans.”

“I swear I’m not,” the skeptic reassured. “Okay, I read that we’re supposed to leave our bags out here. To prevent stowaways.”

“ _Stowaways_?” Ryan questioned, but Shane shook his head. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Shane, I have 99 problems, and you are every single one of them.”

“You know it, baby,” Shane smiled, and Ryan’s face warmed slightly at the nickname. “Alright, you ready?”

“I guess so,” the believer said. He cautiously pulled open the left door and stepped through, holding it for Shane. In front of him was another set of doors, these ones normal-sized and mahogany. 

“After you,” Shane said, gesturing to the entrance. Ryan shook his head with a quiet laugh and opened the door. He froze at the sight in front of him.

“Woah,” he whispered, and the skeptic laughed. 

“I told you.”

The room was huge, completely unlike what Ryan had imagined. Lucious plants filled the space, and bright blooms burst out of every nook and cranny. Butterflies of all shapes, sizes, and colors flitted around the room, some landing on plants, some on the people milling about the space, while some opted to fly nearer to the glass ceiling. 

“This is...amazing,” Ryan said, in awe. He knew of lots of places like this, he was pretty sure that the Los Angeles zoo had one, but he’d never had the chance to go to one himself. Shane smiled from his spot at a nearby plant, observing a particularly large Monarch butterfly. 

“Look at the pattern on its wings,” he said as Ryan walked over to look at the insect.

“It looks like stained glass,” the believer murmured as he took in the bright orange design. 

“They eat milkweed,” Shane said. “It makes them taste horrible to predators, so if something tries to eat them, it’ll spit them out. And, if it doesn’t, it gets poisoned from the toxins in the plant and dies.”

“Are the butterflies immune to the poison?”

“They are -- I’ve always found Monarchs so intriguing, they’re very intelligent.”

“I mean, they probably adapted to develop that behavior,” Ryan pointed out, and Shane nodded.

“Yes, but-” he readjusted his glasses to sit better on the bridge of his nose “-some of the earlier ones must have thought to start doing it in order for the behavior to become commonplace.”

“Yeah, true. Sort of like how I started eating Thai food a lot and then you copied me.”

“The disrespect!” Shane exclaimed, and Ryan laughed loudly, ignoring the confused museum-goers glancing at them. “You know, you can’t  _ claim  _ food, Ryan.”

“Mhmm.” 

Shane stared Ryan down, his unwavering gaze burning holes through the believer’s head. This lasted for about two seconds until both of them burst out laughing. 

***

The rest of the afternoon was spent aimlessly wandering around the museum, looking at various tableaus and laughing at the occasional horrifying taxidermied animal. Shane laughed particularly hard at a stuffed quail that looked as if it had seen one of the spirits that Ryan so foolishly believed were still walking the Earth.

It was around 5:00, and the museum was closing soon. Ryan and Shane decided to spend the last few minutes looking around the dinosaur room; Ryan found a great deal of amusement in how abnormally tiny Shane looked next to the skeletons. 

“You know, I’m taller than you, so that means you look even smaller next to them than I do,” Shane pointed out after Ryan had doubled over in laughter.

“Yes, but I always look small next to you,” the shorter man said, grinning like an idiot. “You never look this tiny. It’s hilarious.”

“Fair.”

They were reading a small plaque next to a diorama of the famed meteor wiping out the dinosaurs when Shane said, “It’s crazy, isn’t it?”

“Hm?” 

“How one thing can just...impact everything so profoundly. One minute, you’re munching on some…I don’t know, banana leaves, the next, you’re getting fucking obliterated by some huge hunk of space rock.”

“Yeah,” Ryan laughed. “It’s pretty crazy.”

“Especially,” the skeptic continued, “when you never expected for something like that to happen in your lifetime. Because all the other dinosaurs went on living without anything especially remarkable happening to them, but then your meteor comes along and changes everything.” He was whispering at this point. “And it hurts, for a long time, but then new life blossoms out of the destruction, and it’s even more beautiful than anything that ever could have been before the meteor hit.”

There was a pause, before: “Sometimes, you wonder why the meteor ever hit in the first place, but for some reason...."

“You wouldn’t want it any other way,” Shane said, smiling down at Ryan. 

***

A cold wind soared through the air, chasing pigeons down the sidewalk and nipping at Ryan’s nose as he sat on the steps of the museum. Shivering, he scooted closer to Shane, who laughed quietly. 

“You wouldn’t last a day during winter in Illinois.”

“Shane, I swear to god-”

The skeptic raised his hands in innocence. “I’m just sayin’, Ry. You think this is cold, and it’s late April. Imagine what it’s like further North in January.”

“Schaumburg is not  _ higher North _ than Manhattan,” Ryan said, and the skeptic nodded his head. 

“Yes, it is! By 2!”

“2 what?” Ryan asked incredulously.

“...I dunno.”

“You...fine.” Ryan chuckled quietly, and the two eased into a comfortable silence, content with just each other’s presence while the city moved around them. 

Shane leaned back to rest his elbows on the stair above him, sighing. It had been quite a while since he’d been this happy: sitting with someone he loved after a long day, watching pedestrians strolling past. 

“It’s strange to think about,” he said, and Ryan turned his head toward him, quirking up a brow. 

“What is?”

“The idea that all of these people-” he gestured outward towards the sidewalk “-have as complicated, intricate lives as everyone else. That they all have a favorite color, a family, something that gets them out of bed every morning, that keeps them going. It’s fascinating.”

“There’s a word for that, you know,” Ryan offered, pulling his jacket tighter around him. 

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Sonder:  the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.”

Shane smiled, glancing over at Ryan. It was starting to get dark, and the lights of the city were shining on his face, creating a glowing halo around his head. He couldn’t help but think back to that night outside the bar. 

Sensing the skeptic's gaze, Ryan looked back at him, meeting his eyes. 

“I have a question for you,” he said quietly, running a shaking hand through his hair. 

“Shoot.”

“Are we...you know….?” he trailed off, not being able to finish the sentence. 

“Do...you want us to be?” Ryan turned his eyes to the ground below him, nodding.

“I...I think so…” he whispered. 

“Great. Then we are,” Shane said. Ryan snapped his head up, not quite believing what he was hearing. He smiled, unable to contain it. 

“Cool,” the believer whispered, his grin audible in his words. He leaned his head down to rest on Shane's shoulder and felt an arm wrap around him. 

“Very.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're in the home stretch my dudes (sorta. not really.) I just want to thank you guys for actually reading this and leaving such kind words for me! <3
> 
> kudos and comments feed my huge ego
> 
> thanks for reading! xx
> 
> (july 29 me here, just wanted to let everyone know i’m taking a break from working on this fic for awhile, i have some other stuff i want to write. i’ll be further updating this fic starting in september most likely 🌻)
> 
> [hello again Julia]


	11. turned to stone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, yes, i'm _not_ dead!!!! (just extremely unmotivated) i'll start updating more frequently soon!
> 
> (sorry if there's some typos I'm very tired and don't have the energy to beta read right now)
> 
> enjoy!

The New York Public Library was a crawling metropolis of knowledge. The sounds of rustling pages and muffled words drifted lazily throughout the main lobby, filling Ryan’s ears as he and Shane wandered through the building, seeking some much-needed warmth after spending a while on the museum steps. 

“I bet the acoustics in this place are amazing,” Shane mused absentmindedly, holding the believer’s hand in his. Ryan sighed, shaking his head. Soft laughter drifted upward into Shane’s ears, bringing a smile to his face. Goddamnit, he loved that laugh. 

“I swear to god, if you start singing, I’ll push a bookcase down on top of you.”

“Please, one of the librarians would turn you to stone before you could even try. They’re ancient,” Shane whispered, leaning in conspiratorially. 

“Probably. Should we make an escape plan in case they get tired of us?”

“That is very likely, so yes, we should do that.”

“Great,” Ryan whispered, adjusting his beanie on his head. The two men pondered this for a moment, before: 

“Got it.”

“What’s your plan, Big Guy?”

“I throw you to the old gorgon ladies, sprint out the door, and come back later for the stone version of you.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Ryan laughed, and Shane chuckled. “Stealing my plan,” he whispered under his breath, and the skeptic whipped his head around.

“Excuse me, Bergara?”

Ryan laughed a little too loudly, and one of the gorgons hushed him.

"You are being _disrespectful_ to our patrons," she growled, pushing her glasses up on her nose. 

Glancing up at Shane with a mortified look on his face, Ryan tried not to laugh.

“Run,” Shane said, and they did just that. Sprinting down the hallway and then out of the building, the two of them laughed so hard they had to pause when they got to the sidewalk. “To be fair,” Shane panted, smiling widely, “That...was...probably...oh my god, I’m out of shape...too much.” Ryan laughed, breathing equally as hard.

“Probably,” the Believer conceded, playfully shoving Shane. “Let’s go get dinner. How does Chinese sound?”

“I have a different idea,” Shane said, smiling. 

“Uh uh, I don’t like that look-”

“C’mon, Ry, trust meeeeeee-”

“Fine, but if I end up eating like snails or some shit I’ll steal your shoes.”

“Why my shoes…and why _snails_?”

“I don’t know, I’m hungry. Whatever this idea of yours is, it better be good.”

Grinning like an idiot, Shane nodded. “It is. Besides, my shoes would be too big for you, you're so smal-”

"One more word and I go and get that librarian."

\--

Times Square was...well, Times Square was Times Square. It was loud, filthy, and full of hordes of tourists wearing  _ I heart New York  _ T-shirts. It sucked pretty bad. But there was one place Shane tolerated in the entirety of that hell-hole. 

That place was _ Henriettas _ , one of the smallest and best restaurants he’d ever been to. It was never busy but still managed to stay in business (Shane was 99.99% sure it was a front for money laundering) . Even better, it was apparently haunted. 

“Where are you taking me…?” Ryan asked as Shane led him through the grid of streets. 

“You’ll seeeeeeee.”

“The last time you said that it was a spider you didn’t want to kill and I had to step on it-”

“And we’re here!” Shane announced, throwing his arms open in a grand gesture much like he had done earlier that day at the museum. Ryan took in the small building in front of them. It was quaint and cute, and the seafoam green canopies extending over the windows and front doors complimented the whitewashed brick of the restaurant. 

“How...out of place?”

Shane laughed, patting Ryan on the shoulder. “Yeah, but they have a bomb lava cake. Made Julian shit his brains out once. It was hilarious.”

Chuckling, Ryan opened the door for Shane and then followed him inside. 

\--

Dinner was incredible, Ryan thought as he sat next to Shane on the subway, their hands intertwined in the skeptic’s lap. Except for the whole the-restaurant-being-haunted thing. He could have sworn he saw something in the men’s room when he was washing his hands. Of course, Shane didn’t believe him and had blamed it on both of them being slightly buzzed. When did he ever?

“Do you wanna watch a movie at my place?” Shane asked, and Ryan smiled. 

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Cool.”

\--

The walk to Shane’s apartment from the subway stop wasn’t that long, but having traipsed around the city all day, it felt like murder to Ryan’s feet. 

“Ughhhhh how do you  _ do  _ this every day?”

“Walking? Well, you see, I-”

“You know what I mean,” Ryan griped, and Shane chuckled.

“Even I have to admit my feet hurt," the taller man said. "I’m exhausted, I doubt I’ll last through a movie.”

“Same,” the believer groaned, and Shane slung an arm around his shoulders, laughing. 

“Let’s just go home and rest then,” the skeptic offered, yawning. 

“Nghhhh yes please.” 

\--

Shane and Ryan stumbled up the stairs, across the landing, and into the apartment, shedding coats and shoes as they walked through the small space. Ryan walked into Shane’s room and flopped face first onto the bed, groaning. Shane sat down next to him, chuckling. 

“Man, New York is kicking your  _ ass _ .”

“Is not.”

“Is too.”

“Is not.”

“Is too.”

“Fine.” sighing, Ryan turned over, facing the ceiling. There was a pause, before: “What...do we tell people?” 

Falling onto his back to lay down next to Ryan, Shane shook his head. 

“I have no idea. Do you want to tell people?” he asked, turning his head to face Ryan. The shorter man smiled.

“Duh. I have the hottest boyfriend ever,” he said, drawing a chuckle from Shane’s lips. “I can finally have something to rub in Steven’s face--ever since he and Andrew got together, it’s been  _ oh, Ryan, I can’t help but notice you don’t bring anyone when we go out for drinks, Ryan, when are you gonna start dating.  _ It’s so annoying.”

Shane bit the inside of his lip.  _ Boyfriend.  _ He knew that’s what they were now, technically. But hearing Ryan say it felt...different. Not a bad different. A good different. Like the feeling you get when you come home after a long vacation. That’s what he’d started to realize had happened. He and Ryan had gone home, in a sense, as fucking cheesy as it sounded. 

Sighing, Shane looked back at his boyfriend. He found a pair of dark brown eyes staring right back. 

“Hi,” Shane said. Ryan took his hand, smiling.

“Hi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the boys are back, my dudes
> 
> kudos and comments feed my huge ego
> 
> thx for reading! xx


	12. cocoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo!!! so this chapter is really short and fluffy because the next one is going to take awhile so I wanted to put something out before I take a bit of a break to edit and work on other projects. 
> 
> also this isn't beta read because it's literally 12:00 in the morning so uhhhh yeah sorry about any typos 
> 
> enjoy!

/ _ Monday _ /

Ryan groaned as he woke up, dragging a hand across his eyes, resting it there to block out the pale light filtering through the curtains. Yawning, he rolled over and smiled as he took in Shane’s sleep-softened features. His eyelashes were a bit longer than average, and with his eyes closed, they rested just above his cheekbones. His lips were slightly parted, his soft breathing causing them to shift slightly every few seconds. Ryan blushed as he remembered how Shane’s lips had felt against his last night before the two of them had fallen asleep, exhausted from the day. 

The skeptic shifted, his eyes slowly opening. Frowning, he squinted against the daylight and buried his face in his pillow. Ryan laughed quietly, flopping onto his back and stretching an arm behind his head. 

“G’ morning,” Shane murmured, and the believer turned to see his boyfriend smiling softly up at him. 

“Morning,” Ryan said, his cheeks flushing pink as Shane leaned up and kissed him. “If I knew that was gonna happen, I would have woken up hours ago.”

Blushing, the taller man buried his face in the pillow again, smiling. Ryan laughed, grabbing his phone off Shane’s nightstand and checking the time. 

_ 7:45 _

“Hey, Shane, you gotta get up and out the door, okay? I need to run to my hotel room and get dressed and stuff, can you take the subway to work?”

“Mhm.”

“I’m gonna need words, babe.”

“Ughhhhhh…ok.” Shane groaned, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard. 

“I’ll see you at work, okay?”

“Okay.”

Ryan leaned down and pressed a kiss to Shane’s forehead before slipping on the jeans he had been wearing last night and grabbing his jacket and beanie off the dresser. 

“Ryannnnnn.”

“Hm.”

“I love youuuuu.”

“I love you t- HEY!” Ryan exclaimed as he turned back towards the bed to find Shane trying to huddle under the covers again. 

“Ryan, it’s so cozyyyyy-”

“I swear to god if you don’t get up-”

“Okok  _ fine _ ,” Shane griped as he quite literally rolled out of bed and onto the floor, still cocooned in the blankets. “Look, Ry, I’m a caterpillar.”

“Adorable. I’ll see you at work, little caterpillar.”

“I’m not little!” Shane called out as Ryan made his way to the front door, slipping on his shoes as he walked.

“Sure, Babe,” Ryan called out as he closed the door behind him. 

Smiling at the nickname, Shane unraveled himself from the blanket and went to take a shower. 

\-----

Ryan pulled into work at 9:00 and made his way into the building and up to the second floor. He found Shane sitting on their couch, scrolling through what Ryan surmised to be Instagram and sipping on a coffee. His boyfriend looked up as he sat down, smiling. 

“Hi,” the skeptic said, kissing the tip of Ryan’s nose. 

Blushing, Ryan smiled back. “Hi.”

“Oh, I got you a coffee,” Shane said, reaching over to a small side table next to the couch and picking up a cup, then handing it to Ryan.

“Thanks, Babe,” Ryan said, pressing a kiss to Shane’s cheek. 

“Oh...My...God.”

Ryan snapped his head up, to find Amanda staring at them. He blushed furiously, burying his face in Shane’s shoulder. Laughing, the skeptic pushed his glasses up on his nose. 

“Hi, ‘Manda. So, uh-”

“I fucking  _ knew it _ ,” She said, drawing a laugh from Shane’s lips. Ryan looked up at her, and she flashed him a thumbs-up before heading back to her desk. Shaking his head, Shane looked over at Ryan. The two locked eyes, holding each other’s gaze for a few seconds before bursting out laughing. 

“Well,” the skeptic said, draping an arm across Ryan’s shoulders. “That was easier than I expected.”

Nodding, Ryan smiled. “Yeah, I guess so. I can only imagine how Julian-”

“SHANE!” 

“-is going to react…” Ryan finished, laughing as the bespectacled figure of their friend came hurtling around the corner. 

“Yes, Julian?” Shane said calmly, sipping his latte. 

“You two--together--when????”

“Yesterday,” Ryan supplied, and the man grinned. 

“Shelby owes me ten bucks,” he muttered under his breath, and Ryan chuckled.

“Who does  _ what  _ now?” Shane spluttered, choking on his coffee, and Julian scampered off before he could question him any further. 

Shane sighed, leaning his head back onto the wall behind the couch. 

“I can only  _ imagine _ what our friends in California are gonna say,” he laughed, and Ryan grinned. 

“I can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the chapter!
> 
> as always, kudos and comments feed my huge ego
> 
> thx for reading! xx


	13. promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl, this one made me cry a lil when I was writing it last night eheh. 
> 
> enjoy!

/ _Tuesday_ / 

Standing with Ryan near gate G6, Shane was trying not to cry. 

_Why is one of us always leaving_ , he thought, glancing down at his boyfriend, who was reading through his work emails. _Every time something good happens, we get ripped apart again._

Sensing the skeptic’s unease, Ryan looked up at him, slipping his phone into his back pocket. 

“Hey, you ok?” he asked, taking Shane’s hand. 

“Do you _have_ to go?”

Laughing softly, Ryan squeezed his boyfriend’s hand. 

“Yeah. I’ll see you soon, though--I’m trying to see if I can get time off to come out here in May for your birthday, and we can FaceTime every day.”

“Promise?” Shane asked, brows knitting together.

Ryan smiled faintly, pressing a kiss to Shane’s lips. They broke apart, foreheads touching. 

“Promise,” he whispered. Shane grinned, his lips meeting Ryan's once more. 

“BOARDING GROUP B,” came the sudden announcement over the speakers in the gate. Ryan swallowed, biting the inside of his lip.

“That’s me,” murmured, and Shane nodded. Ryan glanced away, blinking back tears. 

“ Hey,” the skeptic said, gently taking Ryan by the shoulders and pulling him in for a hug. “It’s alright. Like you said, I’ll see you soon, okay? You can FaceTime me when you get home.”

Ryan buried his face in Shane’s shoulder, clenching fistfuls of his boyfriend’s shirt in his hands. 

“I love you so much,” he whispered, sniffling. 

Smiling sadly, Shane kissed Ryan’s hair. 

“I love you so much too,” the taller man said, and Ryan took a step back, wiping a tear off the bridge of his nose. 

“Okay,” he said, voice trembling. 

“Okay,” Shane smiled, struggling to hold himself together. Ryan took Shane’s hand, squeezing once before beginning to walk towards the line forming in front of the gate attendant ready to scan tickets. 

A tear slipped from Shane’s eye as he turned to leave the terminal. Before he could take another step, though, he felt something barrel into him.

Looking down, he could see Ryan tightly holding onto him. 

“Ry….” 

“I’m gonna miss you so fucking much,” Ryan said, his lips crashing into the skeptic’s. Shane smiled against Ryan’s lips, burying one of his hands in his boyfriend’s hair. Ryan eventually pulled back, tears running down his face. “Ok,” he said quietly. “I love you. I’ll FaceTime you when I get home.” he nodded, and Shane did the same.

“I love you too, now go get on that plane so you can call me sooner.”

Ryan grinned as he kissed Shane one more time. 

“Okay,” he said again, slowly stepping backward and then jogging to get in line. Shane watched as the gate attendant scanned the believer’s ticket. Ryan turned back to his boyfriend as Shane had done so many months ago. He lifted a hand in farewell, and the skeptic mirrored the action. Finally, Ryan walked down towards the plane, vanishing behind the grey walls.

“Okay,” Shane whispered, wiping away his tears and walking out of the terminal. 

\-----

The uber ride home was a silent one. Shane knew the young woman driving him back to his apartment could tell he’d been crying. He didn’t care.

He could feel himself starting to slip back into that familiar fog, the one from before Ryan came. 

He tried not to think about it too much. 

Samantha (that was the driver’s name) dropped him off at his building around 8:00. It was getting dark, and a cold breeze chased Shane inside. Padding down the hallway to his bedroom, he slipped off his shoes and tossed them by the couch. 

Sitting down on his bed, he buried his face in his hands. Ryan was gone again. If he had just stayed instead of taking this goddamn job in New York, they wouldn’t have had to wait this long, only to be torn apart again.

Shane sighed, standing up and pulling off the t-shirt and jeans he was wearing. Rummaging around in his dresser, he found a pair of sweatpants and put them on. He shivered and opened the top drawer of the dresser to search for a sweater. 

A tearful laugh escaped from his lips as he picked up a dark bundle that was foreign to his wardrobe. He unfolded it, smiling. A note fell out of the folds of fabric, drifting to the floor. He bent down, picking it up.

> _It’s colder here than it is in california, and I have way too many when I don’t even really need them. This one’s always been a bit big on me, so I figured it would fit you fine. I love you._
> 
> _-R_

A tear trailed down the bridge of Shane’s nose as he slipped on the hoodie. It smelled like Ryan; peppermint and cedar with something that Shane cold only really describe as _warm_.

“Goddamnit, Ry,” he whispered, smiling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed the chapter! chapter 14 might be a little longer to get posted, just a heads up. 
> 
> as always, kudos and comments feed my huge ego.
> 
> thanks for reading!! xx


End file.
